Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Bam Wait

What's been going on here?

Well somebody finally noticed my brooding scientist walk. They said that I had a joyful walk, which is probably code for you walk like a damn fruit cake, but I was still flattered.

Red Rain. This is the closest I'll ever get to a sexy song. I can only hope I play tennis the way this sounds. Like Bam da da da da Bam. A little pause and then Bam.

Oh Mississippi. I feel like Mississippi sometimes.

THE MURDER OF TWO MEN BY A YOUNG KID WEARING LEMON-COLORED GLOVES. Yes I am yelling at you. But I was nice. I didn't italicize.

G6. Hi my name is Hannah Jane and I have a problem. I am addicted to G6 even though I have no idea what the hell that means.

Royal T. Who doesn't love Róisín Murphy? And this song has the most fantastic noises. At times I feel like I'm underwater.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Olaf Hajek

While reading The New Secret Language of Symbols I stumbled across Olaf Hajek.

I will never be the same.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

here you go momalu

Friday, December 10, 2010

It's Official

Robert has finished his MBA.

Congratulations lover man : )

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

on the other side of my eyes

I had 2 odd dreams last night.

The first involved carmex. Did you know I love carmex? Well I do. Last night, and this was very realistic, I was attempting to put on some carmex and when I touched my lips they were sausages, links not patties, and I just didn’t have enough carmex to cover 2 giant links so I begin to cry and wail that I did not have enough carmex. And no one heard me.

After a little research I discovered that it is not a smart idea to google dreams about sausages, but I also learned that there might be a little penis envy going on. Which is understandable. I used to be a man you know, in another life. A gay one with fruit boobies no doubt, but I think maybe I was crying out for that man.

Another possible interpretation is that my lips were really chapped.

After this dream I guess I took a break, because I remember a particular blank grey, that prompted snow and ashes and dying birds on my windshield.

But that didn’t last of course. Suddenly I was at the top of the stairs leading to the basement and I was picking up clothes I had thrown down the stairs (they hadn’t made it very far), and out of the ceiling popped a black spider. Screaming, I half fell down the stairs. Josh and his current girlfriend came out his room, and to my horror I had somehow lost my shirt in the tumble and was coughing like a maniac. Thankfully I was wearing a granny bra that covered everything, but while Josh went to get the spider his current girlfriend just stood there awkwardly with me and didn’t say anything. Nobody laughed, which would have made the situation so much better. I finally coughed myself awake, and as I flipped over in bed it was quite apparent that I had somehow really lost my shirt while sleeping.

I didn’t even try to interpret that. I just know that I was horrified, and that I felt tackled by my fears.

It should be noted that I have been tipping back the Nyquil, and that I’m an extremely sensitive person. One swig of that and I’m waking up to chase purple unicorns down the hall (which is probably how I lost my shirt last night). I also haven’t been dreaming in paint lately, which is lonely and sterile. I miss the sloppy ranunculus buds and fat drops of unfinished sky.

Monday, December 6, 2010


I am still under the weather, but feeling better.

Today I managed to get out of bed and listen to some music. I think I'll take my ipod back to bed with me.

The latest from my itunes:

Emile Pandolfi

Ravi Shankar

And The Frames...

Saturday, December 4, 2010

:( / :)

I am sick again. Just so everyone knows.

I don't think it's a bad bug, but I don't want to jinx myself.

On a positive note, I did have a pretty awesome birthday. Thank you for the calls. I just happened to be working, but on break I listened to them all. After work Robert surprised me with roses and took me out. I crashed at about 8 though due to the sore throat.

And then today, after work, as I opened the door, there stood Robert and the girls. They took an 8 mile walk (we googled it) to greet me after work. Crazy fools. Here I had bundled up just to walk 50 feet to my car, and there is Robert in a sweatshirt, walking 8 miles on a cold windy day with my dogs (those poor souls).

So there is a lot to be happy about.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Outta Your Mind

I'm sure you all know how much I adore Ellen. I have a soft spot in my heart for obnoxious women in general - Roseanne Barr, Mary Murphy, JACK from Will and Grace, Wanda Sykes. The list just goes on and on. Anyways I have probably watched this video a million times. Ok more than that. I have the moves practically memorized. And I love lil jon, love sytycd, love twitch. You get the point.

Outta Your Mind

is that the cat?

It has been peaceful here. Thanksgiving was a quiet dinner with Audrey and Robert - crab legs and chocolate pudding (YOW!) and roughly eight hours of skipo. The night before Thanksgiving Robert briefly indulged my desire to have a cat. After dining with friends we arrived home and there, up on the neighbors roof, was a yowling cat. He was one unhappy critter. After a little prodding Robert managed to scare it off the roof. I immediately went inside and grabbed my emergency can of cat food and within minutes had the cat in the house, purring in my lap. It appeared to be clean and well-fed so we kept the door propped open and after about 20 minutes it left. Although rumor has it that it's most likely a stray, it didn't appear to mind. Needless to say I have had my ears and eyes wide open. Robert is getting tired of me asking, "is that the cat?" at all hours of the day. It may sound like the freezer humming to you, oh dear Robert, but to me it's the cat, wanting to come inside and bat at the strings on our blinds.

And here you go again, courtesy of the shuffle on my itunes.

In The Wee Small Hours Of The Morning


Linda di Chamounix

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

it's magic

Even before I volunteered I knew I would love working at the library. As a teenager I used to drag my French horn and all my books several blocks to the town library in Camdenton, MO. At the time it was in the town square and it was everything a library should be. It had secret hallways and mysterious doors, a labyrinth of cubbies and small dark places. Usually I would wait until no one was looking and then I would sneak into the back hallway and clatter through the tight maze, my French horn smacking my knees and my book bag dragging behind me. Occasionally I would see a staff member and they would reprimand me, and I would scurry through one of the doors that would lead me back into the stacks.

I used to believe that somewhere in that maze there was a door that would lead me to another time, another life, a different reality. Of course I used to believe this about a lot of places: my grandparent’s old airstream, in the cave behind their couch, with the craggy cliffs of the fire place behind me, and the weathered upholstery in front, the creek at the back of the cove where I grew up. Even now I question the solidity of this reality. I still feel that there are soft spots here and there between us and other worlds. When I sit in a certain spot just behind the rock wall in my brother’s backyard in Tucson, I know I am almost there. In my dreams I often revisit these places, mostly my childhood library, and I cannot help but wonder if my dreams illustrate the fluidity of life.

The Camdenton library was my haven. I never fared well in the public education system, and after the double doors opened I would escape to the 811s of the Dewey Decimal System. I initially did not understand poetry, only that I belonged in some way. It didn’t help that the library only carried stuffy and hard-to-reach poets. I found myself begrudgingly attached to Frost for some time just because I could understand him. After I found a book I would sneak into the back hallways where I would find an abandoned desk to hide beneath and I would tuck myself into its depths until my mother picked me up.

I went through quite a struggle in my teenage years. By the age of sixteen I simply collapsed beneath the weight of expectation. Expectations of self, from self, of others and of life. It was a battle, but I fought through and swore to never let go of my control again, to limit my trust and expect nothing of others and everything of myself. A lot of solace came from Melody Beattie and AA. While I have never had an issue with alcohol I am a firm believer in many of their beliefs. The biggest gift they gave me was the power of surrendering things I have no control over to a higher power. Now, this was slightly tricky for a person with no defined higher power. I had to create one on the spot, and for awhile I searched for Gods that would work for me, some real, and some imagined. After awhile, I discovered that God is a shape shifter, and for me, she is a compilation of magic and serenity. It made sense to give a name to those places where I felt the presence of another world. Now, I can say that for me God is Robert’s arms, the moment when the spring at Ha Ha Tonka turns into muddy lake, the wide open closeness of the trees on the other side of Hermit’s Holler. When I surrender my helplessness, I give it to the jewelweed at the back of Turtle Pond, or the spot on Roller coaster road where the city opens up. If I can’t control a hateful gesture from another driver I give it to the stacks of the first library that stole my heart.

Every day, as I dragged my French horn and books to my safe place, I dreamed of my future. I knew that I wanted to write, but as a practical person, I also knew that I needed to make money. It only made sense to work at the one place that would always feel like home, no matter where it was. Of course I briefly pondered working at and/or owning a bookstore, but I decided early on that I didn’t want to be a book pusher even if it meant that I could probably bring my cats to work with me every day.

Shelving is so peaceful. I enjoy the constant interaction I have with words and numbers, the repetitiousness of reading the spine and tucking it into its right spot. I do hope to eventually learn all of the library positions, and will attempt to attain my MLS starting next semester.

Friday, November 19, 2010

a little cheap

I don't have much time so I'm going to drop more music on you, courtesy of the shuffle on my itunes.

Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons


Sarah Mclachlan

Monday, November 15, 2010


recent etsy loves:




song loves

Jesse Cook

and Alanis Morissette

a photographer that blows me away

Thursday, November 11, 2010

: )

So much is going on here.

I got the job : )

And also another part time job - home care for seniors.

Somehow I managed to get both jobs on the same day, just as I was getting over the cold/strep throat fiasco. So I have been scrambling around a little, but I wanted both and am very thankful.

Here's a little peek into my private world: I have known since the age of 12 that I wanted two things out of this lifetime, to write and to be surrounded by literature. I am 24, almost 25, and am living the life I dreamed about. That just makes me so f****** happy!

For awhile I pitied myself, laughed at and pushed my dreams around. I thought that I needed to prove myself, that success had a lot to do with money and comfort. Nope. I throw all that to the sky. I am here to write, and to appreciate and learn from other writers. It only takes a little of the green stuff to get by.

I still have moments of doubt, but there is only so much room for that.

I have never felt more balanced and alive.

That doesn't mean I wouldn't pack up tomorrow if we found a way to survive on the road ; )

But I am happy either way.

OH and I also started my dad's blog. As most know, he is an artist with a collection containing hundreds of drawings. I will be posting as fast as I can scan and edit. If you have any questions just shoot me an email.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Remember when bathroom doors were out to get me?

I was sitting here, reading The Best of American Poetry 1994 and listening to Ravi Shankur’s Raga Devgiri Bilawal and all of a sudden Mark Doty jumps from the pages and I am changed forever.

I have these unrealistic dreams, and then I realize that the reality is in my words, and that this is my world, such a bright kaleidoscope of nonsense. I am grateful for that tonight. That I can take a poem and pull it inside of me and watch it bloom. Tomorrow as my thumbs stir spines or as I make my next tuna noodle surprise Mark Doty’s words will surprise me.

As most know I have been volunteering at the library, and also trying to find work there too. It’s as close to a home as I’ll ever have. I mostly search for people’s holds, which are books people have ordered on the online website. Every time I volunteer I am blown away by the types of books people check out. The funniest ones from this week? How to enjoy sex in your marriage (I can’t remember the exact name), Welcome to the Jungle: Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Bipolar but Were Too Freaked Out to Ask, and The Complete Guide to Irish Dance. I had these back to back, so that increased the hilarity. I am not superstitious, but occasionally I like to put my itunes on shuffle, and listen to what the songs tell me, like they are a coded message from some other world. Lately I’ve been doing this with the holds, but in a different way. I’ve been keeping my eyes out for signs. So far, not a gosh darn thing. Obviously.

But right now Secret Garden is on, and the song is Moving, which can only mean that I need to move on, get back to poetry. ; )

Thursday, October 28, 2010


I should have known something was wrong Sunday, when I felt exhausted after sleeping so well Saturday night. I spent most of the day with my 2 favorite kiddos (the ones with a trampoline), and I just couldn't get into jumping like a maniac. But no, I didn't listen to my body and I went and played tennis Monday morning. And even after that proved disastrous, after I kept flat out missing balls by inches I went home and laughed at my sluggish self.

But Monday afternoon my throat turned sore and I knew something was up. By early Tuesday morning I was in terrible shape. Poor Robert went for syrups and lozenges at 3 in the morning, and I managed to sleep until 11 Tuesday morning. I woke briefly, thinking I should probably get dressed, but fell asleep again. Tuesday night was the worst.

I am normally a fighter when I get sick, but whatever I had kept me flat on my back, near tears with pain. Today, I woke feeling quite fine and started planning my day. I would eat something solid, take a shower, do a load of laundry, go to a job interview. With this great and fabulous plan I threw my feet over the side of the bed, went to the bathroom, and feeling quite dizzy and exhausted went back to bed.

: )

I am up now, though, and plan on taking it easy today.

Just be warned. If you are tired for no apparent reason, something is out to get you.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

akamyrtle is still alive

Today an awesome thing happened. I just happened to be at a bbq joint (I know wtf, right?) and our first waiter looked familiar, and I instantly liked him but didn't know why. But then we had a waiter switch and I didn't think anything more about it. After we ate I used the restroom and as I walked back to the table the first waiter appeared and exclaimed, "Hannah Jane!" He was in one of my poetry classes from last year! And he remembered me! Of course I remembered him, not by face or voice, but by his words. In class he rarely talked, but his poems were brilliant, and I absolutely adored his style and always looked forward to class. I made copies of his poems and talked with Robert about him regularly. And here he was, telling me that he kept my poems too and that the respect and admiration was mutual. We discussed the MFA program, and admitted that we both hadn't been writing much lately. We talked for only a few brief minutes, but in those minutes I recognized the loss of writing in my life. If I could I would say thank you. I hope that you, too, are out there, staring at a page of dark humor, trying to figure out where to put your line breaks.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010


I'm still here.

There has been a lot of me time lately, and a lot of time with family.

Friday, August 27, 2010

lyric puzzle

music can say things better than I can.

Sia: Breathe Me. There are times when I am really hard on myself; we all are. For me this song is about beating up the jerk inside. What she says feels like me talking to me. This song is a pinch, a reminder to not be so negative towards myself.

Rod Mckuen: Pushing the Clouds Away. This is my motto, in a song poem. It’s another reminder, this time reminding me to reach out to those I love, to not be so darn aloof and let others know that I need them. And I do, but it’s hard sometimes to admit that. I can be an old cranky fart, and this poem is such a beautiful way to push me past my loner shell.

John Mayer: Clarity. This song is really personal to me. I have this way of twisting songs around to where they fit me, even if it’s the furthest from the actual truth. And even though I think he’s probably talking about a relationship in this song my interpretation slightly differs. It’s about when to let go and when to hang on. Interestingly enough the month of June is mentioned here. I have an unexplainable connection with people born in that month. Always have. So yes, sometimes for me this song can be about relationships. But this song always changes depending on what I’m struggling with at the moment.

Sinéad O'Connor: Red Footbal. Just proves that there are better ways to flip people off. A song with a scowl.

M.I.A.: Banana Skit. I just had to do this mom. I knew you'd love it : ) No seriously for those who have a name that rhymes with 'banana' this is your song. This is for the people who have suddenly found themselves labeled fruit because it's cute. Ha! And even though I still get people who call me hannah banana I completely understand why. Because 'banana' is a fun word.

Louis Armstrong: Mack the Knife. I have always loved this song, even when I didn't understand what it meant. It was something about the crispy sound mack makes combined with the silent k of knife.

Thursday, August 26, 2010


It has been hectic here.

I'm still searching for that perfect slacker job that allows me to paint and write and have insurance.

A load of crap, but I'm a dreamer and I'm stubborn, and I'm proud of that.

I'm hoping that I will have a better blog than this in a few days, but all my energy has been sucked into job hunting.

I will leave you with heirloom tomatoes from a recent trip to the farmer's market. There are three sure fire ways to my heart. 1. Swing with me. 2. Send me pictures of funny things (like a particular somebody taking a snooze). And 3. Pick out heirloom tomatoes with me.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

another whoosh of genres


Because I can.

: )

lata mangeshkar. She is just fabulous. When she sings I feel like I am soaring. The fluidity of her voice grabs me.

kiri te kanawa. I feel completely open when I listen to her. Free.

cat power. I love how her voice is hollow, how she makes it easy for a listener to climb inside her words.

katy perry. I was not a fan of Katy Perry until I watched this. After watching this I can honestly say that I really enjoy her when she is unplugged (that's probably not the best way to say that). She's quirky and raw, and there's something incredible about that mixture.

dinah washington. Heard this on SYTYCD, and haven't let go of it since.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

tidbit from the sun

click to enlarge.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

froyo and flips

So things are looking up (for those of you who knew the opposite). It's tough to let go of the things I have no control over, especially since I put them in a pocket that does not contain God. Why add the burden?

Tonight I babysat for a friend, and I must say that these two kiddos are my favorites. They are the perfect combination of silly and philosophical. Tonight we ate froyo at a new place in town, a self serve froyo heaven with at least 10 different flavors and about a million toppings. And naturally, after a person eats several pounds of froyo, they should jump around on the trampoline like a madman, which is exactly what we did. After about a million cherry bombs their dad came home early, but we stayed out there a little longer.

I cannot express in words just how much I love trampolines, and these kids, after several pounds of froyo, were a hoot and a half, the perfect trampoline partners.

I wish I could still do flips. I admit it. I'm jealous. These kids do some stellar flips. Did I mention I broke my nose once during a back flip on a trampoline? Yes, it's been many years, but I haven't been able to pull one off, not even a front flip, since that day. I think if I had my own personal trampoline I could learn how to do a flip again in the privacy of my own home *hint hint nudge nudge*.

But now I'm home, and the house is dark and all I can hear is the chug chug of the fan and I think I'm going to make a cup of tea and tuck into a book.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

for momalu

I promised my mom that I would post this video. We watched it many times in my ASL classes and just today my mom and I had a very serious discussion about Lady Gaga and her vanaynay.

Which led to this.

Did I learn much from this video? Hmm, that Michael is HOT and maybe I shouldn't go signing this song in Hobby Lobby.

LOL disco stick in the fabric aisle.

Oh and let it be known that both my mother and I are NOT Lady Gaga fans. ; )

couch potators

I never seem to get the couch to myself.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Zing Zang Zoo

This may confuse the h*** out of you. Clusterf*** of genres woot!

Skillet. I paint and spit poems to this and I plan on jogging to it too.

G-Clefs. As much as I wanted to throw the flamingos up here too I decided that it may be too much. I like to have this stuff as close to my ears as possible. Lovely harmonious fluff.

Ludovico Einaudi. I still do not know where I heard this. But I know that it brought me to my knees and punched holes in my guts.

3 Days Grace. A song I listen to with my fists.

Emerson and Waldron. If my ribs could speak to you they would speak in banjo. They might sing you a little bit of Peter, Paul and Mary, but the banjo would push all that out of the way.

Ralph Rousseau Meulenbroeks. It's never the wrong time of year to listen to this song. I listen to it every time I feel lonely. It feels like he's carving a mountain into song.

I'll save Pretty Boy Swag for another day ; )

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

life is good

busy busy day. one of those days full of emails, letters and phone calls. and tennis twice.

thankfully I am wearing this lovely shirt mom and grandma sent. it's a life is good shirt, one I've been trying to find for quite awhile. definitely makes me feel all sorts of loved to know momalu and grandma were thinking of me. and it's pink too! I know mom battled with that!

I will leave you with my current etsy loves:



and the fabulous Madeleine Peyroux:

Thursday, July 22, 2010

laughter and peace

I have been doing a lot of kicking back lately.

Laughter and peace have taken over my life. Just this evening we watched The Incredibles and I fell off the couch a couple times because I was laughing so hard. OMG JACK-JACK ATTACK. You've got to see it.

Oh and today we had an explosion of baby frogtoads. But not the Jack-Jack kind of explosion ; )

Wednesday, July 21, 2010


While I was at the gym I heard a Jason Mraz song. Yes, at the gym. It's usually a big giant whoosh of Hannah Montana and eighties crap and then today bam, Jason Mraz. And it wasn’t a fast song, or a loud song but I found myself cranking up the speed on the treadmill and running faster. I really should start taking my ipod to the gym with me. Unfortunately I really enjoy bantering with the folks next to me, the 87 year old gentlemen who occasionally outruns me and the lady who carefully lines the cup holders with napkins and then fills them with delicious crackers, cheese and chocolates. I would miss them. I can only hope that Jason Mraz magically appears again.

I have been tutoring a friend’s ten year old daughter in math, and today I was greeted with a beautiful salad. This may sound like a small thing, but this lady, who is a hair stylist and works from her home salon, took 30 minutes out of her day to make a salad and sit down with us before her next client arrived. From what I understand it was a rare moment for her. Usually she eats standing up.

In addition to the salad I also tried gruyere for the first time, and it was phenomenal. I plan on melting it into an egg substitute with a handful of arugula and mushrooms thrown on top for a future breakfast. I’m not sure I can do that though. We’ll see.

Speaking of delicious food Robert surprised me this evening with a mostly sugar-free treat. I first must admit that I am hopelessly addicted to pudding. If it weren’t for pudding and cheese I would have an easier time giving up dairy. Anyways there were three components to this dish – a layer of crumbled graham cracker, cheesecake pudding and on the very top a tiny sprinkle of sugar (the part that wasn’t sugar-free) that he torched. I don’t know the fancy term for that. It was pretty phenomenal.

You can say I’ve had a good food day : )

I am also getting closer to finding the perfect color for my craft room (I am not painting the shelves pink mom). I am thinking of a light grey. I am thrilled by the melody of salmon, yellow and grey. I had a dream about a salmon colored bookcase and of course when I reached to touch it my hands disappeared. Hmm is that my mother exclaiming in horror?

On an entirely different note Robert was singing to Rose yesterday and I decided to try a little experiment. As you know Robert is fond of singing to the girls, mostly songs he learned in church when he was younger, but occasionally he throws in the 12 days of redneck Christmas every now and then. The dogs love it. Rose is a big fan. If Robert starts singing at one end of the house she abandons whatever she is doing and finds him. As you know, I do not sing to them. Yesterday, we were all piled on the couch and Robert started singing to Rose. She immediately started the usual tail wagging and out of curiosity I told Robert to stop so I could sing to her. I sang a hymn and she barely flinched. No happy tail whatsoever. Heartbroken I told her she was a good dog. Nothing. I told her she was a lovely creature. Nothing. Exasperated I said I love you AND SHE WAGGED HER TAIL!

Sunday, July 18, 2010


We are home early due to an unfortunate accident with the RV. Everyone is fine. The RV, however, is currently getting fixed.

My five favorite pictures from the trip:

it turns out that South Dakota is really not that exciting.

I loved the clouds in Wyoming.

After this trip Robert and I have concluded that Rose is equal parts dinosaur and buffalo.

Just like Rose this buffalo took his/her time.

I will be putting all of the pictures up on picasa. Shoot me an email if you want to see them and I will invite you.

I read two phenomenal books while on the road:

And I listened to a lot of this.

My favorite day of the trip straight from the journal:

Today's Greats 7/9:

* running across the swinging bridge
* soaking in the hot springs
* all the deer wandering around in Thermopolis - in front of houses, walking across the roads, in a playground
* tiny nap!
* tennis!! The first time I've ever played on nubby grubby astroturf
* We're staying in an RV park!
* Watching the storm roll in w/R in the back of the truck
* snuggling with R and the girls
* Yellowstone tomorrow!

Sunday, July 4, 2010


Today is the day!

Yesterday we picked up the RV...

Hot right?

Well packing and cleaning it is in fact a hot task. I'm going to be ready to make a nest in the back of the truck with some mint tea, a stack of books and my ipod.

I will be out of touch most likely the next three weeks. Robert will pack the laptop, but we don't plan on using it. Josh will be here to check mail and email so don't worry! I will send texts! And when I get back I will have tons of pics (including the inside of the RV).

Wednesday, June 30, 2010


Another fabulous day. I just have the best life yo. The best family. The best lovah. Word. Yesterday I played an hour of singles and took a 2 hour bike ride so today I was less than excited about tennis. I played an hour and a half of doubles though and had a total blast. I've been really on and off lately, and today felt like a little of both. After doubles I still had an hour of singles and let me tell you I was pooped. I was ready to go home and plop with a good book and some tea. But I stayed with it and played aok. I didn't work out afterwards though. No weights so far this week, but I'm ok with that. Screw it. I strongly dislike the gym. I'm trying to do it at home, but it's proving tough because I simply don't want to. Ha! I think if I could go through life without worrying about my weight I would bike and play tennis and do all the yoga moves that don't hurt my wrists. And that's it. I would try other sports, but I would skip all this weight lifting crap. But it's important they say. And I can't complain. I'm lucky to have access to it.

I also got a little bit of packing done. Tomorrow I am going to finish it as best as I can and wash the poops.

I'm getting really excited about the upcoming trip. So much so that I'm having a hard time sleeping. I wake up too early all fluttery and can't go back to sleep.

Tonight Robert's class ended early and he stopped at Whole Foods and picked up my favorite mint tea, fresh almond butter and my favorite pre-made salad (the one with spinach, feta, and strawberries)! Like holy wow what did I do right? So, I'm sure you can guess what I had for dinner. Afterwards he took me out for a banana split (my weekly sugar fling), and it was spectacular.

I can already tell you about the next sugar fling. Remember those Chips Ahoy cookies, the crunchy kind? I haven't been inside a gas station for a long time, but I'm thinking if we're going on the road I should be able to snag one of those little packs. But do they even make them anymore? I don't know, but I am going to have one. And I am going to dunk it in a glass of real milk. I've been thinking about it for awhile now but haven't seen any of the little packs (ok I've been obsessing). Sometimes R will tell me what he thinks about before he goes to sleep: travelling forever with me, having kids in a big country house, going for rides in the truck with the bluegrass station on. And then he asks me what I think about before I go to sleep. And here I am taking the cookie from the package and dunking it in a giant glass of milk. Ok ok while it is clearly evident that my romantic fantasies involve Chips Ahoy cookies I also dearly love Robert, and so I talk to him about a dream house, a dream truck ride, little tots using sharpies to ink up a purple fainting couch, but no matter what, there I am, holding the cookie and the glass of milk.

But way way off the topic.

I can't wait for tomorrow! And then the next day!

Honestly I'm glad to be free.

Monday, June 28, 2010


I haven't felt much like writing or painting lately. But I have been using the extra time wisely. Playing tennis ha! Reading - just finished Dawn Light - holy wow, a brilliant book. I just started The Story of Edgar Sawtelle, and I think I'm going to fall in love with Almodine. I also have been reading a lot of poetry: Glück, Baxter, Jong. Oh I love Erica Jong.

Starting tomorrow I will start packing. Robert, Audrey and I are going RVing for a few weeks (Josh is staying here). And Friday we get the new RV (!!!!). I have a lot to do. In addition to normal packing I have to gather up everything we had in the old RV, the stuff that has been hogging up all the precious room in the basement. I think R has a fear of running out of toilet paper, even RV toilet paper. Is there a phobia for that? Ok just googled it and had a few laughs. You've got to check it out.

And the dogs need baths.

Less than a week though (!).

I had a dream about this song. There were mannequins with boobies and little droopy men with holes in the front of their pants. Of course I looked. C'mon really? And when I did there was a mini-world instead of boxers. And the world was a collage where nothing fit together.

Friday, June 25, 2010

yes I did it again

and I love it.

it's much too hot to have long hair.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

the sky has lost its viscosity


Saturday, June 19, 2010

today's thankful list

* R made me breakfast!
* Paws in the Park with the poops!
* the beautiful storm
* tiny nap
* costco
* the guac burger with the gigantic red pepper slice
* the peaceful bike ride with R
* picking out tea with R
* the miracle person who found R's wallet on a far away rain-soaked street and gathered up the pieces (including the cash), and put it in a bag and left it with an unsigned note on the door. If I could tell you something, miracle person, I would say that I believe.

Thursday, June 17, 2010


I have been very restless

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

new painting

Monday, June 14, 2010

no frowns

I played in my first doubles tournament and totally sucked. I also sucked in singles too. But there's always something to smile about. First, I am proud to say that I stayed positive the whole time. No frowns or negative feelings. We all have crappy days. Second, I conquered my fear of doubles. Hated it a year ago, and now I think I like it. I think I'll do other doubles tournaments. And third, I made losing look good.


And what should a person do when they totally suck? They should get the h out of town. So R and I left Saturday night right after I lost and headed to the lake. To chop down a few more trees, and to have a little fun swimming with the dogs. And let me tell you something. There is something so freaking amazing about swimming with dogs. We were free and goofy and powerful.

We came back last night just in time for ice road truckers and a fantastic storm. Tennis was cancelled this morning so I decided to take the poops for a jog. Today just wasn't their day. They didn't want to jog at all. We jogged walked for awhile until I threw up my hands in defeat. I was already having a frustrating morning, one of those mornings where I feel really disconnected from myself, and I wasn't ready to fight two dinosaurs. I was also looking for the 'clicking moment.' Whenever I get disconnected from myself, whether it's physically, mentally, spiritually or emotionally there is always that moment when I magically reconnect. I call it the clicking moment. Sometimes it's a song, gesture or another person that creates the clicking moment.

Today, after we stopped trying to jog I noticed an elderly man carefully inspecting his lawn. He looked like he was waiting for something to do. Quite possibly he was waiting for his clicking moment too. The dogs immediately bolted for him and unlike the majority of people we see on walks who have babies or strained faces (or both), he pulled the dogs close and made kissy faces with them. For a minute or so the three of them created this little world, and he talked with them, addressing them with genuine interest. Finally he noticed the owner attached to the leashes and said good morning.

We would have never met him if we had been jogging. What a fine click moment! For the rest of the walk I let Ella splash through every puddle and we took our time with every smell.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

all over that shit

So I'm a little wiped, played late tennis, trying to wind down and the boys come home all noisy like. Whooping and talking loudly. Suddenly Josh comes barreling in and shows me his nipple rash he got from sweating. Like wtf is up with boys? I'm like put some diaper rash ointment on it and he just rolled his eyes. Finally he left, hollering to robert about how he was going to cut holes in his shirt for his nipples.

Gross. But seriously kind of funny. I must be tired.

Today was great though. Went to the library, found the items I had on hold and decided not to check out one of the books. I go to check out with the grumpy lady who never smiles, and after I tell her that I don't want the book anymore she scans it and lets out a little ooh ooh! Totally shocked the bananas out of me. This woman who always wears a frown is suddenly smiling and dancing in her seat. "I'm next in line for this book," she sings. Well paint me black and call me pink.

Also took the poops to the poopy park, which is exactly what it smelled like. Of course we drove too fast and listened to the beach boys the whole way. And after I dropped them off at home I grabbed some supper before the gym. As I was paying for my food the guy said are you from Tuck-son Arizona? (I was wearing a Tucson shirt) I'm like Tucson? And he's like yeah! I couldn't get out of there fast enough, and the whole way I'm walking to the door he's still talking to me.

But that wasn't the entire icing on the cake. I still had to go to the gym. I loathe going at night. At night all the hunky, sweaty manly men come out. And it doesn't matter if you have thunder thighs or a mean glare on your face. They will wink and give you disgusting looks. OH! Speaking of thunder thighs, have you seen the Nike ads? HOLY EFFING WOW! Thunder as in my thighs are made out of it, they are supernatural and electric and I will break the sky with them. Kate Chopin and Mary Wollstonecraft would be all over that shit.

But the gym actually went well. I am loving that pretzel ab machine. It's like uh! take that you lazy bellybutton! You know the one I'm talking about, the one where you push your knees into your face. Good machine for aggression.

And then I came home and watched SYTYCD and ate a bowl of life. By myself.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

lorn/alter bridge

I cannot get enough of Grief Machine. I listen to forecast at least 80 times a day. Unfortunately I couldn't find Forecast on youtube. Paradise lost is still hot though.

And white knuckles whoa!

The library book sale!

I have been dreaming of this day for awhile.

People had homemade contraptions: a dolly with three orange crates glued? taped? to it, big black trash bags on a mechanic's creeper, even laundry baskets tied together.

I swore I saw someone wearing a camelpak.

Within an hour I called Robert for backup. I had just made my first trip to the car and still hadn't perused interior design or biographies. But I found a cart and used it instead of Robert. He did take me out for lunch though.

And then I came back.

I think I brought home close to 50 books. And after I took pictures I alphabetized them, found their correct shelves and shelved them. Elation!

Most of the haul:

I've read a few of these before, but did not have copies until now.

Have you read this one mom?

I am slowly building my Berg, Hoffman, Quindlen collection. I have almost all of Hoffman's books now!

And I know how upset you were to discover that I only have one of Kaye Gibbons' books. Well here you go mom. No more bitching!

some good tennis yo

Yesterday I had tennis scheduled twice. Outside. I got in my car, started driving, and the rain began to fall. Thankfully we secured two courts at the club. Ginger (a tennis buddy) and I waited an hour for our court, but as soon as it opened we rushed out there and started to play (well she was 20 minutes late due to the storms). We had only an hour to play and we did not waste a minute of it. At one point I picked up a ball, noticed it was wet and smacked it around for a minute to dry it off. It finally dawned on me that we were playing inside. So I look around and sure enough water is gushing in. We keep playing. The next thing I know I see the owner of the club through the glass window. She is waving her arms frantically. I look at the tv behind her. Tornado warning. I tell Ginger. She doesn't even pause during her serve. That's some good tennis yo.

And who takes tornado warnings seriously around here? I know I'm just throwing eggs at danger, but whoopdedo Katie Horner.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

We finally did it!

And they love it!

Saturday, June 5, 2010

baby rabbits!

Two days ago Ella found a stray baby rabbit in our front yard. We decided to leave it alone. Robert and I agreed that if it was still there and breathing by Saturday that we would find a way to put it out of its misery. That's what we had to do last year unfortunately. Well, like magic, it disappeared yesterday and we stopped thinking about it. Today we let the poops back outside, and as Ella and I played ball Rose found yet another baby rabbit in a different part of the yard. We put them inside and went to inspect. You will not believe this, but some bozo mama rabbit built her nest right dab in the middle of our front yard. We did not touch them or get too close to the nest - don't worry! But R did push back the ball of grass and fluff with a stick, revealing four wiggling little babies. They all appeared fine and healthy so we covered it back up and walked away. The dogs will just have to play ball in the house for the next few days.

all of a sudden

wow, I am excited to wake up again. even for little things like chopping trees all day when it's 90 degrees outside. I thought that the lack of excitement was an age related thing, but no, apparently not. I have been waking up long before the alarm clock, ready to tackle the weeds and dead trees, ready to bike and play tennis. Last week a friend asked if I wanted to be her partner in an upcoming tournament, and I not only said yes I also signed up for singles too. I wasn't even going to touch tournaments this year because I felt like tennis was beating me down, but I'm excited to play and not as concerned about busting balls.

A day after I finished all my course work, the very last of my BA, I loaded up the dogs and took them to the dog park. Once I was there I bolted out of my car, prepared to feel this great elation and fulfillment, and you know what? I felt nothing. Not a gosh darn thing. I was prepared to leap, but the force was not there. Finally, a month later, all of a sudden


Sunday, May 9, 2010

happy tea

Took a walk with audrey, robert and the poops this morning and grabbed a bagel. Now, I'm back in front of the computer : (, but robert made a cup of happy tea and I'm listening to Peter, Paul and Mary on pandora.

Another 10 pages to crank out. Also a revision?

If I can get done today I want to do something spectacular tomorrow, but it's supposed to rain. So Dicks it is!

We'll see.

I'm ready to get the bike fixed and get back on it before the fear eats me up. I've been having nightmares about Friday. Did I mention that my chain broke while I was crossing a very busy road. Robert thinks it's funny, but I've had bad dreams about it the past two nights. Wow, what a simple life, a simple mind. I should be thankful for that.

Also, the station just switched to Simon & Garfunkel. How can you go wrong with that???? OMG AND NOW IT'S THE KINGSTON TRIO - WHERE HAVE ALL THE FLOWERS GONE!!!!!!!!! Holy wow, Peter, Paul and Mary is the best station on Pandora.

Saturday, May 8, 2010


At 5:06, May 8th, 2010, the ice cream truck makes its first appearance in Prairie Village since 2009.

And it's creating a lot of ruckus while I write my Morrison final.

Also, isn't there a rule about eating crap before dinner? Wouldn't ice cream ruin a person's appetite?

Friday, May 7, 2010

Oh and btw the RV is on the way.


long time traveller

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Vaughan and Woon

took a break from Guthrie.

Speak Low

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

my favorite kind of cheese

is Michael Bublé.

Ok back to finals

bastard donut pushers

I am not going to lie. I am a sugar freak. I heart sugar. And I actually kicked it for about two months last summer, but I succombed to the habit again. Now, I am proud to say, that since April 18th I have kicked the habit again, and I do sincerely plan to stay strong this time. Now, how do I explain my boundaries with sugar? Ok, I still eat as much fruit as I want. I also have a drizzle of honey during breakfast, a piece of dark chocolate a day and the hidden sugars that lurk in pasta sauces, cottage cheese and milk. If the sugar is lurking around I try to make sure that there isn't any more than ten grams of it. In fact, most often, there is less than five. I finally found granola with less than five grams. And it tastes amazing. Now, here's the deal. I hear a lot of crap from people about the fruit, dark chocolate and assorted foods that contain sugar (bread, holy crap), and they think that I'm full of shit. But, really, this is a huge deal to me. I usually have dessert for breakfast, lunch and dinner, and most often I will eat some sort of sugar for a snack. So, the fact that I've reduced my sugar intake to fruit, dark chocolate (usually 70%+ btw), and various foods is a huge damn deal. And I am proud. Now, if the dessert is something unique then I am going to try it by god. But I usually only run across rare desserts a couple times a month. And a bite of a cookie is better than the whole darn thing.

Today I got an email from my favorite donut place. "Where did you go?" it asked. "We will give you a free donut if you come back."


Oh and this is extremely adorable.

Monday, May 3, 2010


So unmotivated this morning. I fought my way through tennis, every shot shaking my teeth. I cursed my sluggish body. But I came home and ate a healthy lunch and did a little laundry. I also started working on my poetry portfolio, which is due Wednesday. I am going to practice signing Woody Guthrie for the kazillionth time and then take off for school on my bike. A 2 hour ride ought to tell these bones how to behave.

Thank you Jolie Holland for making my day.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

sassy gay friend

I can't figure out which one is my favorite.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010


Wow sometimes I just have to laugh at the calendar. I have a final tomorrow, and both a final and a paper due Friday. PLUS I'm PMSing. Wow, thank you o divine calendar.

I met with several people today about pursuing my MFA. I already knew I was too late to start in the fall, but my current teacher just so happens to be the teacher of the poetry workshop that starts in the fall, and he said he'd be happy to have me in the class (a big damn deal). So I'm beginning the program before I'm admitted. But it sounds like they'll let me in. There are two poets in charge of the poetry applicants, and those two poets heart me (or my poetry anyways). It's a tough program to get into. Less than a third of the applicants make it in, but I'll have a year now to get close and personal with the teachers and work on my portfolio. And I'll be able to get a decent job while I wait.

I also might just say fuck it and take off RVing full time. I'm ready to jump onto whatever moving train comes by first. Until then I will write and explore and examine everything down to its microscopic fibers.

I also need to study and write this paper apparently. And plan the Kentucky trip, help R search for an RV, set up my dad's Etsy, and think about the July trip.

Oh and I have about 5 additional projects/finals left after this week.

So I'll be busy.

Monday, April 26, 2010

oh boy


Thursday, April 15, 2010

2 loves

From Real Simple May:

Paradise. The only problem is that it takes you to Amazon.co.uk.

Also, Kim Parker's gallery is worth waiting for the page to load.

Sunday, April 11, 2010


Just went bike riding. It smells so awesome out there right now. And it was so peaceful.

Time for cookies and milk.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Why do they make yoohoo?

Yesterday the poetry reading went well. Both Josh and Robert attended and suffered through it with me (if suffering is wallowing in hilarity), and I wore my favorite dress.

And pops is fine. Here I go again with Every Minute by Sara Groves. But that's not possible.

Another long long day has passed, and my body is protesting everything today. Eh. No emails or itchy bras or sweating or planning. I need to turn off the internal blender and relax.

God I should just get myself to the gym and answer all my emails and clean my desk and do a few loads of laundry and write out everything in my mind until it's stripped bare and paint every canvas red and black and run with the dogs and read Jazz and do math homework.

The blender is always on go.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

riding bikes

Yesterday Robert and I biked to supper, 12 miles (which is super for us). Today I grabbed my keys and started to leave to pick up my prescription and Robert stopped me and asked why not ride our bikes up to Walgreens. So we did : ). A 30 minute trip turned into an hour, but it was worth it. So now we're both going to start asking ourselves if we can ride our bikes to a place instead of driving. Now I'm NOT riding my bike to KU. That would probably take a day.

But I'm proud of ourselves nonetheless, and I'm surprised at how much joy a bike ride gives us.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

so far GREAT

* Tennis X2
* Lunch with Robert (I told him about eating kippers with dad when I was younger and he bought me a can - fantastic)
* It's so nice out today
* new fabric love
* and new flickr love

Monday, March 29, 2010


I feel really whoopdedo today. Like a little bit of frantic mixed with I don't give a shit, both of which are melting together like poisoned soggy cereal.

Should I do the laundry? Nah. Rinse out my bras before the soap eats their fragile selves? Nah. Keep reading Beloved even though I don't know what the hell is going on? Nah. Jog with the dogs? Nah. Ok then.

So I'm going to watch Color Splash and have lunch.

Etsy Loves:


Wednesday, March 24, 2010

there's always a bright side

It is raining, and normally I like rain, but I have to walk all over campus today : ( Plus EB is sick and I can't be with her right now, but on the positive side of things I have a Jimmy Johns sub in my backpack for dinner tonight and I only have 6 more hours to go. And then I get to cuddle with my EB : )

Monday, March 22, 2010

2 ways to start the day off right

Tennis and Lecrae

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Squishy Tulips

New name for the blog!

And a new blog, just for poetry!

I also set up my craft room today!

Exclamation points all the way around.

Friday, March 19, 2010

my favorite day from the trip, straight from the journal

3/25/10 Today's Loves:

* The run across Chain Of Rocks Bridge with with girls. It was magical and they stayed with me the whole time, no leash!
* I went right up to a group of deaf folks and started signing with them. No way! Yes way!
* Ted Drewes
* H&M and Anthropologie. I SUPER HEART Anthropologie! And I just now found out there's one in KC.
* The January Sun interview, even though it scared the hell out of me.
* Talking to mom, briefly.
* OMG how can I forget the budweiser postcards.
* April's Country Living and Lucky & Mary Oliver's "Pilot Snake" from West Wind.
* We're at a walmart outside of St. Louis for the night and I feel comfy and super tired. Bring on the sleep!

Thursday, March 18, 2010

beyond the sky

Just got back from a mini vacation, 3 days hiyah! We went over to St. Louis, ate a little Ted Drewes, visited the beer factory (Josh hates that I call it that), meandered through Route 66 State Park, sipped a little wine and juice at St. James (fell in love with the sparkling peach...juice), and goofed around in springfield on St. Drinkuntilyou'renumb Day. And now we are home, and the RV is only a little unpacked, but we filled the day with napping, and building a bookshelf (Robert did anyways), and eating Wheat State pizza while watching the first KU game of the NCAA tournament (they won btw). And I just had an oil bath, complete with bubbles and tea and candles.

During the trip I listened to a lot of this:

And read a lot of this:

I bought this: Lollia Hand Creme

And stumbled upon: a restaurant I used to eat at with Dad and Scott. It's still a hopping place, full of smoke, gravely voices and lovely memories. I bought dad an ashtray with the name at the bottom. Kind of ironic since he ended up in the hospital this morning. His hernia of course, but they cannot operate because his lungs are terrible. I'm positive, but I'm a little scared beneath the surface.

Route 66 State Park:

I also discovered the lavender version of my H&M purse at the Plato's Closet in Springfield. It's pretty spectacular, but I'm too lazy to take a picture. Hopefully it lasts forever.

Oh and did I mention we had another blowout?

The bookshelf (from Costco and complete with lights; LOL at the unfinished wall - very trailer park chic):

And here it is filled (the left side is for poetry, the right side, for the books I haven't read; And the foo foo at the top will be changed):

Saturday, March 6, 2010


still a little loopy

Last night was date night (kind of).

It was about 50 degrees last night (surprise surprise) so we loaded up the girls and took off for a drive. First, we stopped at 7-11 for a slurpee, and then somehow we ended up near a whole foods we had never seen before, so of course we had to check it out. Walked out with blood oranges and gingersnaps. FINALLY about 9 we stopped at my favorite Thai restaurant where I almost fell asleep in my food. Apparently you can’t do too much when you’re getting over a cold : )

But it was a great date. No complaints. We spent a lot of time discussing our futures (there’s an ‘s’ because we’re two different people sharing lives)- our education and where we’re going to live. And of course we talked a lot about RVing, which is a distant dream, one I’m still going to hang onto with every finger. Occasionally Robert and I need to put our heads together like we did last night. He is the logical side of my brain, and I’m the ‘take off all your clothes and run naked through the rain’ side of his brain. We remind each other of the boundaries that contain our dreams and the giant leaps that make the boundaries invisible.

I’m in a weird mood today. Perhaps it’s the imposing rain, or the quiet house (home alone for a couple hours OMG), but I think I’m going to make a mixed CD and fold laundry.

Thursday, January 21, 2010


took a vacation for a few weeks.

lately, listening to The Be Good Tanyas, Joan Sutherland and The Low Anthem and playing an enormous amount of tennis although I cancelled today.

Discovered Pandora.com (I'm a little behind)

reorganized ALL of my books, wiped the dust away and put them into new groups completely unrelated to their genre. Memoirs and novels and short stories are all tucked together, alphabetically, and I haven’t heard a single peep. I thought my several prized collections of creative nonfiction would surely gripe about Alice Hoffman invading their personal space, but nothing.

contemplating what I am going to do after I graduate. MFA? Get a job? Take an extraordinary bike trip across Missouri? Freedom can be a little blinding.

And it does break my heart a little that you all have abandoned me for facebook.