just a brief life update

This post has been a long time coming, but I kept putting it off because I didn't know how to write it and I also kept thinking a little bit of balance and routine were just around the corner.

I no longer work at the library.  I am proud to say that the library job I had for the last fourteen years was everything to me, and it no longer shames me to tell you that when I realized I could no longer keep it, it completely consumed and devastated me.  For a while, I struggled with both the loss of this job and feelings of shame for it being such a huge life crisis.  I spent a lot of time working through that, and I'm ok with how much the loss affected me.  I loved my job, patrons, and coworkers and thought I would retire there.  I wanted to work in a public library since the summer before sixth grade, and I carried that dream for a long time before it became true.  It was a dream I fought hard for, and the job was even better than the one I dreamed of having for so long.  

I am finally at a place where I can say I am so stinking grateful I had the incredible opportunity to work at a library and live the dream.

I am still getting my Master of Library Science degree.  I was extremely fortunate to enjoy both my summer and fall classes after a tough spring class, and I am taking two classes this semester.  I'm hoping to finish by the end of this year.  Though I do not have plans of returning to libraries any time soon, I still want to finish this degree.  

This month Robert and I bought a business together, an awards/promotions/custom gifts shop that has been around for over 40 years.  Last summer the owner, a longtime customer and friend of Robert's, mentioned she was thinking about retiring and selling the shop.  After many discussions, Robert and I decided to take the plunge.  We all agreed to finalize the purchase on the first of January.  While we waited for that to happen I did a lot of shadowing, learning the business, diving into accounting, and also much reorganizing and cleaning.   There are so many things you can customize, vendors to buy things from, there's outsourcing of some products and making others in house, and machinery/processes/products to learn.  It's been overwhelming but also fun.  At the library I was fortunate to hear so many patron stories and be a part of some of those stories in a small way.  In this new business I get to do the same.  Just a couple days ago, a librarian came into the shop with a fantasy baseball trophy, and when I asked what his league's name was, he said it was Moose something or another.  But the figurine was an owl!  So yes, there was a reason the trophy no longer had a moose.  For me, the stories and connections with others are a big part of my happiness. 

In September there was still so much uncertainty about my future job path.  In October and November I was shadowing and getting to know who I was going to be working with.  I work mostly with one other person, a very patient, capable graphic designer who is about my age.  In December all the transitions were happening and there was a lot of reorganization and cleaning going on.  And now I am officially there, still learning but getting a little more comfortable each day.  Right now the focus is learning Quickbooks.  We chose not to transfer all the product and customer information from desktop QB to QBO, so each customer and item is being added as we go.  Every invoice is a fifteen minute discussion.  Do we want our perpetual plate metal to be a different item from our sheets of metal?  Do we engrave enough business card holders and desk wedges to create a "Desk" category?  If we have multiple contacts from a local business/university/high school, how do we want to create subgroups?  What if we have two contacts from one school of pharmacy and they each have their own orders?  It's the kind of brain work I enjoy, but wooeeee there's a lot of it.

Right now we are getting a lot of fantasy football trophies brought in for updates.  These trophies are usually brought in each year by different people.  So we created a way to group each fantasy football league but keep their members as individuals.  

It's not just Quickbooks and bookkeeping though.  There's so much variety to the work and there is even a little bit of repetition and detail work I enjoy.  After the graphic designer puts together the designs, the afternoons are usually all about printing, cutting, and assembly of various plaques, medals, trophies etc.  

With the new accounting software, some reorganization projects that have things helter skelter right now, clusters of fantasy football trophies everywhere (the collective noun we've chosen is a "stadium"), and a snow storm that briefly upended us, we have not found our groove yet.  But we are getting there.

There are a few bonuses.  I do not have to ask permission to go to doctor appointments.  I can work longer if I need to or scoot hours around.  The shop is less than ten minutes from my home and even closer to Robert's office.  Josie goes to work with Robert, and Margo goes to work with me.  And probably the thing I'm most grateful for is that the other person I work with all the time has lots of patience and humor.  She is also passionate about the job, asks the questions I don't always think of, and isn't afraid of spiders, which we have been evicting from the premises thanks to our big cleaning sweep.  I am still working on my big feelings about spiders, but I feel like I'm having a lot of moments of personal growth, so it's ok I'm still flunking in one area.  I started to add the cleaning of different areas in the building to my calendar but realized (with some embarrassment) that once I make my way through all the areas, I need to start over again.  I can hear the spiders laughing at me about this.  And really, they're laughing every time they hear one of these conversations:

Who needs a vintage desk plate thingy from the nineties?

Oh, every year or so someone will ask.

Ok, we'll hang onto it.  

How am I going to remember to clean out those boxes with the vintage doodads though?  

Cue the spider laughter.  

My health struggles are still a mystery, but there is a procedure I'm doing beginning in March that sounds promising.  I had hoped the issues were exacerbated by the extraordinary stress I was under while working at the library the past year, but I haven't had much relief.  I was able to get a second opinion, and at the very first appointment the doctor was both exceptionally understanding and also told us what he thought the issues were.  That's the good news.  The bad news is that they're so booked up I have to wait until March.  Thankfully, I have the most understanding and supportive husband and also a job where I can have some flexibility about doctor appointments and restroom breaks.  

I will likely be a little flighty about posting in the next month or so while we work toward our new normal.  Thanks to those who have reached out.  It means so much to me.

letting go

I am just barely emerging on the side of victorious after a rather tough battle with some kind of sickness.  COVID perhaps since I cannot tell the difference from matcha and water and too much sriracha is not enough but two bites of fried rice is too spicy??  Now I am battling the sinus infection that always follows thanks to breaking my nose doing a backflip on a trampoline many years ago.  Gotta love how our childhood shadows us our whole lives, right?

There's a bit of cold medicine writing aiding this post.  I'm such a lightweight.  But I'm ready to let go of some of this burden.  Sometimes the weight of something can be worse than the thing it is that you're actually carrying.  I need to let some of it go. 

I've been oscillating between tears and strength this past year and sometimes both, as they are sometimes the same thing.  I usually don't let things get me down, but I've had the absolute worst manager this past year.  I kept thinking I was going to write this grand post where she suddenly got the mental help she needed and stopped being such an ogre towards me.  Or I was transferred to another branch/position.  Or I found another job.  None of those things have happened yet.  I have been mired in attacks on my professionalism, character, love for my job, and teamwork for over a year now.  It's been killing me.  And I've kept quiet because well, I really still care for my library.  I still care for my coworkers and patrons.  And I've had a lot of support from family, friends, and coworkers.  I have wanted a place to belong all my life.  I found it.  Now it's time to shed that belonging, turn it into art, into something I can treasure, and find a new identity.  

This morning I unpacked a pair of my grandma's earrings from my memory chest, and despite being unable to get properly dressed due to still being sick, I put them on.  It's surprising how much their tinkling sound has given me the strength to write this.  

In addition to having a manager who is after me, I also did not make the library programming team.  I wasn't really sure I wanted to go from doing half desk, half programming to full-time programming.  But as I packed up all my storytime things and spent a week crying every time I tried to play Old MacDonald or the Itsy Bitsy Spider on my ukulele, I realized just how much programming, storytimes in particular, had become a part of my soul and identity.  Losing storytimes is definitely a form of grief.  I've also been in this uncomfortable position of telling my beloved storytime patrons I am no longer doing storytimes.  As one patron said, "So it's like you're being fired, but you're still here??" 

I cannot tell you how many days I've barely made it to lunch just to sob myself to sleep in my car.  Between the attacks from my manager and losing about 60-70% of the job I loved, I have been so devastated it's been tough to get through each work day.  Yes, I've been to HR.  Yes, I've asked for help.  I continue to ask for help.  My coworkers have even stood up for me on my behalf.  I've been with the library for almost fourteen years.  It is not enough.  I am not enough.  And that's tough.  But I also get it.  I am one employee who cannot handle being attacked by her manager.  I understand the optics of that.  Robert told me once that if I am ok with what I say being published in the paper the next day, then I cannot fault myself or be ashamed of myself.  This is true.  If everything, all of the months of correspondence with not just my manager, but also asking for help were to be published, both verbal and written, I would be proud of myself.  Unfortunately, the pride does nothing to help with being mired in this situation.  

I think I'm pretty strong.  I've asked myself if I was dealing with either an attacking manager or the slow and brutally painful stripping of my identity due to the library's reorganization (programs including tween book club and storytimes, assisting with walk and read, being a part of committees where I maintained lists and provided trivia for the library, leading teen volunteers at my branch etc.), could I survive better?  I don't know.  

I have suspected for the last almost fourteen years that my job at the library was just about everything to me.  Yes, family and friends and art and poetry and my love for life are all important too.  But the library has been my identity.  The job I had a year ago was my dream job.  It was everything to me.  It gave me an identity that I was incredibly proud of and a place to belong, which was no small feat.  I recognize I put all of my eggs in one basket so to speak.  I don't for a second regret it.  But I am now dealing with the consequences of that.  And it is a grief I live and breathe every day.  

In the process of trying to figure out why I have recurring methane SIBO, I discovered I have low B12, which my body cannot absorb due to the recurring SIBO.  This was almost a relief to discover, because I learned that a lack of B12 can cause anxiety, depression, and fatigue.  Prior to learning I have recurring SIBO, one of the many referrals/tests my doctor ordered was therapy.  The reasoning for this was that my stomach issues may be related to stress.  After meeting with a really nice therapist for a couple months, it was determined that my stomach problems at that time were not stress-related.  At the time, it was a box to be checked.  But in the process of meeting with the therapist I told him how much it hurt that all of my family was so far away, and the pain I felt missing everyone was almost physical.  He helped me figure out a way to feel a bit more connected.  This is how my weekly phone calls with my nieces began.  

When I discovered I wasn't handling the issues with my manager as well as I hoped, and that it may not even be my fault due to lacking B12, I reached out to a therapist, who I've been off and on seeing since this spring.  I am still doing such a poor job handling this.  I'm still finding myself fleeing meetings due to needing to throw up.  I cry almost the second my character is attacked.  The emotional pain is so deep, it's physical.  I'm doing everything right, but I am still failing.  The therapist I've been talking to thinks it has to do with living this way for over a year now.  Accumulation has weakened a lot of the armor and resiliency I've built up.  He also thinks I need to be more open about what's happening in my life.

Robert has known since the beginning.  He's been there every time I've come home from work and gone straight to bed crying.  He's been there to help me craft emails, stand up for myself, and read and listen to every correspondence with both neutrality and compassion.  A few coworkers have also known from the beginning.  A few months ago I also opened up to one of my brothers.  And recently I have been telling other family members and opening up to other coworkers I trust.

I don't have anything to be ashamed of.  I am experiencing a crisis and also trying to redefine my identity.  I feel so honored when others feel comfortable enough with me to express vulnerability, but I often forget vulnerability is a two-way street.  There's strength in sharing all emotions as long as the emotions are not harmful to others, including ourselves.  

So there it is.  I am still fighting off this current sinus infection but ready to take the leap into living again.  When you're feeling low and then you get so sick you can't get out of bed, it's a double whammy.  Today, while looking for something I needed for an art project I stumbled upon my memory chest, the one with my grandma's earrings in addition to pictures, dog tags/collars from fur babies now gone, even the Monopoly piece my childhood best friend always used, and I thought about all the life being lived right now.  Life that's currently being woven into memories, so many that one memory chest is never enough, and you spend an hour looking through piles of keepsakes that are teetering everywhere in your office, because you need one small memory for an art project.  

Each day I go into work I remind myself I'm there for patrons and coworkers.  Each day when I leave, whatever I cannot or should not carry, gets obliterated by my tennis racquet, drowned in the pool (swimming has become such a release for me), or is replaced with all the joy and love my family shares with me.  I have the most caring and supportive partner I could ask for.  Family I can call.  Friends who support and care about me.  Far too many things to create an easy mantra, but that's really the answer right there.  So much love.

art party

Some very exciting news here!

I had my first artist talk at the Natasha Ria Gallery, where some of my artwork is currently displayed.  Some very special people came, and it was a lot of fun!  I will definitely be on the lookout for more artist talks, because I always have a millions questions like how do they do that?  What's their process?  And on and on.

Here I am with the amazing Natasha, who has been so incredibly helpful with my art journey.  She is one of the warmest and easiest people to talk to.  And she's both an artist and poet too!

I was completely blown away when I looked up and saw one of my favorite people walk in.  Ann has been one of my writing friends for over ten years.  She is the poet I talk about who finds a haiku moment in every day.  She is also 94 years old and one of those people who scoops up all the best stories and shares them in beautiful ways.  We met through a poetry workshop I facilitated at the library over ten years ago, and along with a handful of special people, we have been sharing poetry ever since.  If that isn't one of those library stories about community building that tugs at your heart, then I don't know what will.  Ann is also an artist!  She painted many watercolors and has an eye for beauty.  Just look at her blouse, which is like a watercolor painting come to life!

In the picture below, Ann's daughter, Carol is to the left.  She's a passionate art and library supporter.  And on the right is Octavia, one of my favorite people I work with.  My world truly revolves around the library, and I've been so fortunate to meet some of my favorite people through the library.  With so much up in the air now with where I'll be working in the next six months, I recognize how good the library has been for me for the last fourteen years.  Even as I'm beginning to explore this new world of displaying art, the library is present in everything and everyone in my life.

Robert has been so jazzed about all my art endeavors.  He sometimes has even more enthusiasm than me!  He has been asking the best questions, helping me with both practical and artistic questions, and providing so much support.  I am excited he's on this journey with me.  His face here says everything I just said and then some.  

Lastly, I just wanted to let you all know I was selected as one of the emerging artists for the Lawrence Art in the Park in September!  It will be my first time participating in an artist fair, and I am so incredibly excited and nervous!  I hope to see lots of familiar faces and soak up all the inspiration and beauty.  I was so delighted to discover Lawrence Art in the Park's emerging artist program, because it will be a good way to dip my toes into the art fair community, learn how to set up a booth, and get those coveted booth photos I need to apply for future fairs if I decide to do so.  I also have the joy of sharing my booth with another emerging artist, which will also be a relief.  I'm a huge fan of the buddy system, especially when I'm new to something.  I hope this person is looking forward to an enthusiastic art buddy for two days!  

sad trains and some reviews

It has been particularly busy for me.  I have been:

* Working on my first art showing.

* Wrapping up the coursework for the class I'm taking this semester (writing my first and hopefully last schema).

* Still in extreme limbo with work in every way imaginable, which has been depleting a lot of my energy and time.

* Giving what may be my last programs, which has been an emotional roller coaster.  I already get all the feels toward the end of a season, because kids grow up so fast and go from singing songs with me at storytime one day to driving away to college the next.  But with the extra uncertainty and the extra long break for the organizational change, I find myself just barely holding back the water works each time we sing our goodbye train song.  Though we're all singing, "We'll say goodbye til' next time, see you soon choo choo," inside I'm singing, please don't forget to visit me at the library this summer 😭😭😭.  I would say you've never heard such a sad choo choo in you life, but thankfully my choo choos are drowned out by kids who are blissfully unaware of how fast they grow up.  I'm pretty sure I remember time moving particularly slowly sometimes when I was a kid.

* Revisiting my stomach problems of the past.  Apparently SIBO just keeps coming back???  And sometimes it means something else???

* Still managing to enjoy this beautiful spring we're having here with lots of reading on our front porch. We bought new chairs for the porch with footrests.  It's the perfect way to procrastinate anything related to adulting and sometimes fall asleep.

I feel like the books I've read so far in 2024 have been particularly good.  Really, I'm almost overwhelmed by them.  I made a commitment a few years back to write reviews for all 4 & 5 star books I read.  It was an easy commitment until this year.  Now, when I pick up a book and get a few pages in, I feel the flush of both excitement and exasperation.  "Another good book?  How dare you immediately ensnare me in the first few pages and rob what little sleep I'm already getting!"  And yes, if this sounds like bragging, you're totally right.  

Here are a few reviews:

Scurry by Mac Smith (Juvenile Graphic Novel)

  

Intense dystopian world ruled by animals due to humans being wiped out by human wars. Survival is of utmost importance but friendships, allies, and helping one another stay alive and avoid the killers of the forest (hawks, wolves, and cats) are equally important. The artwork is incredibly bleak but also atmospheric and rich. It's a dystopian world that makes you feel just as cold, terrified, and determined to survive as the characters. Included in the back is a list of characters (so many but easy to remember thanks to complex characters), discussion guide, and activity guide. If there's an illustrator who makes you want to drop everything in your life to create art and tiny worlds centered around life's biggest themes, Mac Smith is it.

Awesome Orange Birthday by Mitali Banerjee Ruths and illustrated by Aaliya Jaleel (Juvenile Fiction - Transitional Chapter Book)

This book is so much fun! Priya has a knack for organization, planning parties, making DIY crafts, and caring for others and animals. I love how this book was organized. There was a character map at the beginning, an additional map of the neighborhood, all kinds of lists, and cute touches everywhere, including illustrations of washi tape. I also appreciate how self-aware Priya is! She has a great grasp of her strengths and weaknesses and strives to work with them rather than against them. I am so excited to read more in this series and hear what kids think about Priya's life!

Lucille Ball Had No Eyebrows? by Dan Gutman

It looks like the Who Was/Is series has a serious competitor! I'm super impressed with this book. The back-and-forth interview style with two "kids" sharing information and asking questions is such a clever idea. This style tastefully and appropriately exposes how ridiculous some of the ideas were during the early twentieth century. While I love the Who Was/Is series, it doesn't shine a light on historical events with a modern lens/perspective. This book is also written well, filled with lots of juicy information, and still contains the biography essentials: timeline and main life events. My only gripe is that it's missing a page listing extra reading recommendations. There's only a tiny nudge to look up YouTube videos about Lucille Ball. It's only a small gripe though. I can't wait to read more books in this series!

spur of the moment patron request

While I was on the adult desk the other day, a lady tentatively approached the desk and whispered, "I need..."

She paused and blushed.  She wasn't coming from the direction of the bathroom, so I let out a small sigh of relief.  No code browns today, folks!  And the library was very quiet with only a few patrons studying and using the computers, so everyone looked like they were behaving...  

I responded with an encouraging nod.  The lady leaned in closer.  "I need some cowboy romances."

There was only a soft chortle of relief on my part, as I swiveled the monitor towards her to show her the plethora of cowboy romances available.  And I kept all my cowboy puns to myself.

storytime update

This is possibly my last season of storytimes.  Due to a reorganization of staff at my library system, my job will either be a patron support specialist (A.K.A. manning the desk) or a program support specialist (A.K.A. facilitating library programs).  Currently I do both and love the heck out of the variety of work and patrons I serve.

This reorganization started last August, and it has been a waiting game since then.  I thought fall may be my last storytimes, and now again this spring.  But it is now official.  We aren't having any staff-led programming this summer.  From May-August, all the connections I've built with not just storytime families, but also tween book club families will cease to exist either temporarily or permanently.  Dramatic, yes, but kids grow up.  The end of each season is already tough with at least one storytime family proudly announcing their child is going to preschool the following season. 

And tweens become teens, who then become adults.  I also do not know the outcome of the teen volunteer program, which my branch has been lucky enough to offer year-round.  Two of the six kids who volunteer are graduating, and summer is always the time to get them excited about maybe continuing during their school year.  This summer my branch is not opening up the opportunity to new teen volunteers.  I'm thrilled we get to keep the teen volunteers we currently have but sad that the future of the program is unknown.

I do not know if I will continue to work at my branch, whether I will get to work with kids at all, and what position I will be in.  It's a lot of uncertainty.  I still feel so fortunate to have even found where I belong, and not only that, but to work my dream job for over six years.  And who knows, maybe I'll love wherever I'm at as much as I love this current position. 

Storytimes are one of my favorite things about my job.  They are tiring!  And crazy!  And sometimes I'm still hearing the songs for hours afterwards, but the joy of being a part of storytimes and getting to know the littles and their families is unbeatable.

Last fall season I mostly did my family storytime, which I've done for a few seasons now.  I also subbed for several of my coworker's toddler storytimes and did two outreach storytimes at both a preschool and Montessori school - a wild and amazing experience.  It was a lot of storytimes!  I somehow managed to not get sick and made it to every one.  A storytime season with no illness despite drowning in oodles of germs.  

This season I'm doing both a toddler storytime and family storytime.  I tried to cleverly mix up the crowd favorites between the two storytimes.  At my first toddler storytime one of my family storytime songs was requested and in my family storytime, one of my toddler songs was requested.  The two separate storytime plans immediately became very smooshy, and so now I wake up and have no idea what plan I'm doing.

My go-to style of storytime is very family-oriented, with a couple things for babies and older kids and a lot of toddler components.  It's tough to do two very different storytimes that have such similar age groups and also have my family storytime regulars sprinkled fairly evenly between the two storytimes.  Some come to both!  It's that organic, see-what's-happening-each-storytime approach I've always wanted to feel more comfortable with, and now it's happening.  I'm enjoying every moment.  Even if it means I need more sleep on storytime nights. 😆

Here are some adorable moments I wanted to share:

* I was in the storytime room practicing for the first storytime of the season and I heard tapping on the glass.  I looked up and saw one of my families from the previous season.  They were at the library the moment it opened and could not wait to say hello.

* When I asked one storytime group what alligators do, one girl shouted, "They eat people!"

* While talking about bunnies, I asked the kids if they had long, floppy ears.  One grandpa shouted, "I do!"

* After a storytime, one of my regular kids introduced me to her My Little Pony toy and asked if I would sing the hello song to the toy.  I absolutely said yes.

* After singing our rainbow puzzle song and putting the puzzle together, a kid asked me why we weren't singing the song again as I took each color off the board.

* When I read Pete the Cat: I Love My White Shoes for one of my storytimes, two of the three sessions read and sang the entire book with me.  They knew all the words!  

I haven't been able to keep track of all the cute and special moments this season.  There are just too many.  Kids really do make the world a special place.  

gross and beautiful

One of my favorite jobs at the library is something I affectionally call, "booger patrol."  Library workers all do some variation of this and probably have their own cutesy fartsy names for it.  It's a mixture of tidying up, checking/refilling faceouts, cleaning up mysterious things, finding toys in bizarre places and returning them to the play area.  The list goes on and on, but what it boils down to is keeping the library in proper order and making sure it's a welcoming place for patrons.

I also like to check for damaged books and usually take it section by section.  Any time I need a brain break I tackle a section and look for any books that are gross.  I have found everything from a partially eaten Jimmy John's sandwich (with some of the wrapper attached to identify it) to a mummified earth worm in books.  I also find a lot of silly notes and some notes of hope, frustration, and loneliness tucked into books.  Bookmarks, money, and collector cards are common bookmarks.  So are used napkins.  Gross, folks!

Most books are just fine and can be returned to a shelf.  Sometimes they need a wipe down, but other times the books are beyond repair.  One of my favorite kinds of book destruction happens when a child sees an illustration and makes their own version right in the book.  It's not a very nice thing to do to a book, but it's also one of the best compliments an illustrator can get.  Occasionally there is an ominous smell to a book, but when I open the book it's pristine.  Other times, that ominous smell really is trying to tell me something.  

Like this stinky mold, which decided it's going to completely consume this book.  

Engine

I helped a grandpa and grandson today find a handful of books including a few beloved Magic School Bus books.  Grandpa told his grandson, "She's a lot like Thomas.  She's a very helpful engine."

New Mexico & Arizona Part 1

Robert, Margo, Josie and I just returned from a marvelous, restorative, and comforting trip filled with family, good food, and plenty of laughter.

The week before we left I battled a sinus infection but miraculously kept up with a particularly packed week.

I finished four out of the last five assignments for my two classes, gave three family storytimes, two toddler storytimes, two tween bookclubs, one dentist appointment, and got re-certified for CPR/AED.

Whew!  I was so proud of myself for keeping up with everything while feeling so poorly.  There were even beautiful moments where the world slowed down for just a bit.  Occasionally I get so busy, it's hard to savor all the joy and beautiful moments.  I was sick and busy, but still soaked up the joy.  This must be growth or luck or a little of both.

My coworker, Octavia jumped in to help with my laundry-themed family storytime.  Somehow it completely slipped my mind to do a Thanksgiving storytime.  I plan so far ahead.  No matter!  Octavia suggested I knock on the door to the staff office, which is adjacent to the storytime room, and invite her in when I got to the clothes dryer activities part of the storytime. So, for each storytime I told the kids I thought I had a friend who might like to join us. Then I would open the door and say, “Oh look it’s Octavia! And she brought her clothes dryer from home!” Then she would come in and help the kids match socks. We also sang an adorable clothes dryer song.  It was brilliant and hilarious.  I work with the best of the best.

Needless to say, I was pretty tired and a little concerned my sinus infection was going to get worse.  

But we threw caution to the wind and left after work on Saturday night.  I slept most of the way to Albuquerque.

I'll let the pictures tell the story.  Robert ran around like crazy on Saturday doing all the last minute things to get us ready for the trip.  He got the car packed up and the girls ready to go, and they picked me up at the library.

We spent a fair amount of time cuddling on this trip, soaking up all the fluff and comfort of our dogs.

There's a food theme for every trip we take.  Nashville has the best vegan biscuits, Anaheim has the best vegan donuts, and Albuquerque has the best vegan cookies?!?  I was expecting to live out of the food basket and cooler we brought with us.  If there's one food group I'm not down with it's authentic Mexican/South American food.  From my previous New Mexico journeys there never was the question of vegan/dairy free or everything else.  It was, "do you want red or green sauce?"  I think New Mexico maybe thinks this is a cute way to make authentic Mexican/South American food their own.  I don't really understand it.  Sorry not sorry NM!

We stumbled upon Mata G's the first day we were there and discovered the most delicious cookies (and other foods too).  But COOKIES?!?  I was so thrilled.  That's a food group I can get down with.  

We visited four bookstores and three libraries in the Albuquerque/Sante Fe area, and when I returned home I discovered I didn't have any shelf room available.  So it's official.  I am now making bookshelves out of books, so I have a place for my books.  It's one of the best problems I've ever had in my life. 

It also looks like our winter hats/gloves drawer is going to be sacrificed so I have another drawer for library bags.  Not sure we really need winter hats/gloves.  What do you think, Robert?

We had three bucket list items for the New Mexico part of our journey: driving the mostly nonexistent Route 66 as it jogs through Sante Fe (check), visiting the Albuquerque Botanic Garden (check but maybe going back on the list), and well, you'll see the third in just a moment!

The Albuquerque Botanic Garden was cold with a whole lot of dead beauty, everything dormant and ablaze with autumn color.  It was a quiet, restorative, and short visit.

We visited two Albuquerque libraries and Santa Fe's Southside Branch, which was the clear winner.

One of the featured artists was Leigh Oviatt, who will take your breath away.  She's a brilliant fiber artist and photographer.  Her work stops people in their tracks.  Watching others soak up her work is almost as wild as pretending to shrink and walk her endless pom pom paths.  

The children's area was mostly empty thanks to the holidays, but it was cozy and inviting.

Check out this thoughtful and intergenerational display complete with author flaps!

More books! We visited Book Mountain in Santa Fe, and the gentleman there gave us a thorough and hilarious book tour of the well-organized store. At one point after pointing out the crafts, hobbies, homemaking, and gardening section, he said, "this is pretty much for anyone who's tired of YouTube."

Our big reason for going to Santa Fe involved a super special embroidery project I've been working on.  A family member of Robert's reached out to me on Facebook about making a piece inspired by the curtains hanging in her newborn granddaughter's nursery.  She wanted to give this piece to her daughter and daughter-in-law for a holiday present.  I was so thrilled to be asked!  

Here is the closeup of the curtains I referenced for the piece:

And here's the piece!

I decided to try out felt for this piece because I felt pretty confident it would have some heavy bead elements.  I loved using felt.  Though it was nearly impossible to undo a stitch, the strength of the felt outweighed the many times it took to cut things out and start over.  I quickly learned to do shorter bursts so that I wouldn't have to redo as much if I needed to cut a snag out and start over.  I also used a couple pieces of trim for the wings and anchored them with beads.  Making the wings was the most tedious but also the most soothing part of the journey.

Like most folks, I don't remember a lot before the age of five, but I do remember long moments before sleep when I rested my eyes on things of beauty in whatever room I was in.  I hope baby Octavia does the same and enjoys the sparkle of this piece.  Yes, her name is Octavia too!  I bet you didn't think you would ever see that name twice in one blog post.

When I reached out to Robert's relative about where she wanted me to mail the moths piece and she responded with an address in Santa Fe, NM, I was SO excited.  I asked if she wanted us to hand deliver the piece, and she gave us the green light.  I was overjoyed to meet the couple and their brand new baby.  They went a step further, invited us in, showed us the nursery, and told us they had the go-ahead to open the piece.  I've already been thinking how wonderful it would be to meet up with them again.  They were so welcoming, interesting, with a home that reflected so much love and beauty.  

The next day (Wednesday) we drove to White Sands (Surprise! Our remaining bucket list item!).  We couldn't find a restroom to save our lives, but we did find this:

We went sledding at White Sand years ago.  Sixteen years as it turns out.  We went with my mom and Robert's childhood friend, Josh, who he now works with!  We loved White Sands so much we added it to the bucket list again.  Dear younger HJ, you will go back, and it will be just as magical as the first time! 

Here are a few pics from 2007!  We are so cute I can't even stand it.  

I never would have dreamed we could take the dogs.  When they hopped out of the car, they were the most excited I have ever seen them.  It was like we had given them the greatest gift ever.

Margo dug a lot of sand holes to help climb up the hills, but a lot of times she pooped herself out and flopped into her creations.

Stay tuned for Part 2 of our epic NM/AZ trip!

Choo Choo

When I'm off desk at work, I sometimes like to sit in the youth services office with the door open so I can see and hear patrons.  I was sitting in the office a few days ago with the door open and lights off.  I was fully immersed in emails, but I distinctly heard a child say, "choo choo."

I looked up and there was one of my storytime regulars, an 18-24-month old who often regards with me with serious contemplation.  With that same serious look, she pointed at me and said those magical words again.  "Choo choo."  Her grandma was just steps behind her, and said, "yes that's the choo choo lady."  We exchanged smiles and then said our hellos.

I asked my little storytime regular if she wanted to sing the Goodbye Train song that day at storytime, and she gave a serious nod and toddled away.

That Goodbye Train song may get stuck in my head and become especially loud as I'm trying to fall asleep, but what my brain interprets as an unholy racket, another brain interprets as pure magic.

comfort

This recent gratitude journal entry is too lovely to hide away in the pages of a journal.  

• Oh Gopey. Suffocating me with her long night of cuddles. But so dang cute and such a comfort. 

• First cool morning of the season. 

• Storytimes went pretty well. The Oge Mora book is hanging on by a thread (Saturday). It’s a bit too long but too good not to keep trying.  All the breathing exercises and zoooooms helped some. Grumpy Pants has been such a winner all week it’s just ridiculous. When I read the words, “hot chocolate” a little boy screeched, “CHOCOLATE” with such delight and enthusiasm a coworker, who was in the office next to the storytime room mentioned it later. This was also the same book that inspired a little girl from the Montessori outreach storytimes to tell me she pooped her pants and had to take a shower. Who knew a penguin could evoke so much emotion from children?

After storytime today, a patron approached me and told me how much her family loved my storytime. 

She asked me if I had a masters in library science. I said not yet. She then asked me if I had an education background. I said no. 

She said, "So it’s music then?" She didn’t give me a chance to respond. She flashed another smile and scooped up her child.

I was standing in a pile of foam letters from one of our storytime games, but I was speechless.  I have been thinking about our short conversation constantly.

I don't have any kind of official degree relating to my work.  Instead, my life is constant learning.  I think that's one of the greatest pleasures of my job.  The learning never ends.  

I major in enthusiasm, delight in the antics of children, and have a firm and unshakeable passion for being a part of a place where children can flourish and grow into themselves in a safe and nurturing environment.

One of my brothers shared a Mister Rogers snippet with me, and Mister Rogers says it best.

"I give an expression of care every day to each child."  

This is what we do at the library.  

Here I am going on and on again, giving all my thoughts to the white space like kids tossing foam letters onto the parachute.  😆

• I was a total zombie during lunch but glad I had my cozy car to hide away in until I became human again.  So thrilled to have my nap bag with my blanket and pillow.  

• A really easy and peaceful afternoon just getting my sh@# together. 

• Took four tries to find a free court with a backboard, but it was (undisclosed park) for the win today. Never had to work so hard to work so hard. I started to play tennis in the chilly air and my body was confused. It thought the hard work (finding a court) was over and it was time for hot chocolate. Thank goodness for new sneaks and socks. They gave me just enough juice to zombie sloth my way through some drills (the joy of experiencing tread again). All the while James Herriot was pattering on about cows and diseases and good ol’ hypocritical Siegfried.   I'm in the middle of his second book, and it's such a comforting place to hide while I pretend to be fierce and create white space for the next day.

a helping of comfort and magic

Beautiful moments at the library this week:

A young patron approached the desk one afternoon and requested books on ASL because her classmate was deaf, and the patron wanted to communicate with her.  We only had a couple ASL books at my location, so I turned the computer screen toward the patron and asked her which books she might like to have brought over from other branches.  She pointed at a book about emotions and said, “in case she wants to talk about how she’s doing.”  She pointed at another about families so she could “learn more about what her life is like at home.”  

After we picked out a few books, the patron looked at me and said, “a lot of kids think I’m in the sixth grade.”  I asked her what grade she was in, and she said, “fourth, but I’m tall and mature and know how to talk to adults.”  Before walking her over to the adult side to grab an ASL book, I paused and looked for her mom.  Depending on the age of the kid, I usually let caregivers know if we leave the youth side.  Before I could spot her mom, the kid looked at me and said, “my mom won’t mind if I go to the adult side.”  I told her I would let her mom know where she was if asked.  As we left the youth area I spotted her mom, who gave me such a proud smile, it was easy to guess she had been listening to our conversation and knew her daughter had shared some more of her magic with the world.  

On another day I was covering the adult desk and an older patron in her nineties approached the desk with her daughter.  The older patron asked for some help finding a list of authors she had written out.  They were all popular authors, so I knew we would have them on the shelf.  While her daughter disappeared to browse on her own, the older patron and I looked for the books on her list.  I kept my eye on the desk thankful there was a lull, so I was able to take my time with her.  We only talked about the books we found, just pleasant chitchat that didn’t get too deep.  When we reached the last two authors on her list, which were alphabetically close to each other, I showed her the books, handed back her note, and excused myself.  She reached out, grasped my wrist, and said, “please stay.”

There have been a few times I’m in a utterly sour mood about my lack of worth to the world, and I remember something Robert said to me once.  One time, I cannot remember the situation, Robert looked at me and told me what a comfort it was to have me nearby.  I think it’s easy to forget how much comfort we bring just by being fully present with each other. 

A little bit of everything

I have been very busy with SO many things - preparing for fall programming at the library, starting my third semester of my MLS degree, a couple of all-consuming art projects, soaking up all the hot, evil weather I can before it turns, and working on compiling a chapbook.  

Here are a few special moments I don't want to let slip through the cracks.

First, I am behind on my thank-yous!  Thank you to Loch Raven Review for publishing Just as I Begin, Willows Wept Review for publishing Panorama, and The Phoenix for publishing Grandma's Kitchen and My Apology.  I have mentioned two of these journals prior to this post, but since then I have received physical copies, which is always so exciting.  This issue of Loch Raven Review will take a year for me to read it, but I am excited to dive in.  You can find it here.  You can find the issue of Willows Wept Review I am in here.

One last thing about this picture.  I look so much like my brother, Scott in this picture!  How cool is that?  Does anyone else get super excited when you see people you love the most in pictures of yourself?  It never gets old.

I told Robert I wanted to make a caterpillar that helped guide kids and their caregivers through storytime.  The face segment is the hello song and the last blue segment is the goodbye song (I've been calling it the bye-bye butt, but not in front of kids!).  In-between the hello and goodbye segments are three options and multiple copies of each - song, activity or book.  Not shown in this picture is the arrow, which will show patrons where we are at during storytimes.   Because storytimes are a little different each time, I'll be able to change up my caterpillar for each storytime.  Originally, my plan was to make laminated segments.  

Robert and our friend, Josh took it to a whole new level and made the segments on a 3D printer!

Tomorrow I give my first ever outreach storytime at a nearby day school.  I am both excited and terrified.  I have no idea what the space looks like and only a vague idea of how many sessions and the different age groups.  It will be a lesson in going with the flow for me!  I packed my traveling storytime bag (and my caterpillar just in case there's a whiteboard big enough).  It will be the first storytime of the season.  My library starts storytimes back up again next week, so I've been thinking about this outreach storytime like a really crazy practice run.

I have been meeting with the same poetry friends for almost ten years now!  I just realized this the last time we met, which is now virtually, so I captured a picture of us.  Four out of the seven of us who meet have been meeting for almost ten years, and one of our original four is in her nineties and writes exceptional poetry.  We transitioned to meeting virtually during the pandemic and have stayed virtual because three people in our group do not live in Kansas City!  Though my life can be crazy busy sometimes, I always look forward to sitting down and talking poetry with this special group of friends.

Margo has been sleeping with her tongue out recently.  It is the cutest thing.

Robert and I recently tried out Swimply and rented someone's pool who allowed dogs.  Margo and Josie mostly enjoyed Robert carrying them around on the raft.

A few more pictures of the girls in all their cuteness.

Margo doesn't even need to sleep in our bed to steal all the covers.  

I love coming up the stairs and seeing this.  It never gets old.  Her lovely face hanging over the steps.