What Happened to You? by Bruce D. Perry & Oprah Winfrey (Adult Nonfiction)
The first time I sat down to read this, I did not give it
the time and attention it deserves. I
felt so frustrated the first time I tried reading this book, I simply skimmed
it and tried to glean something helpful and move on fast. I think the frustration was a mixture of
helplessness combined with an assortment of feelings I felt while reading the
stories, which were a little too close to home.
Thankfully, What Happened to You was chosen for a work committee’s book
discussion and I gave it another chance.
Trauma only became a part of my vocabulary several years ago
when my husband and I became the guardians of two teens. Prior to that, it was not something I really
thought about. Both teens had wildly
different experiences with therapy and trauma therapy was only offered to one
of them. Bruce Perry talks about the
inconsistencies in trauma training, which didn’t surprise me based on my
experiences with the inconsistencies in therapy in general. Even though both kids experienced trauma
prior to coming and living with us (in addition to the trauma of being uprooted
from their lives and living with us, because that is technically trauma too),
it is confusing why one child was offered trauma therapy and the other one
wasn’t. Just from my perspective as a
family member, trauma therapy was intense. My husband and I were included in a family
therapy session each week to assist with the trauma therapy, which included a
couple of really tough weeks of reliving the trauma endured. Even with the extra help from her therapist,
my husband and I didn’t always do things correctly. It felt like the instructions we received
from the therapist happened backwards.
For example, even though hugs were usually fine, they were a trigger
during an episode. But we only learned
this after I made the mistake of giving a hug during an episode. Wouldn’t it be more beneficial for caregivers
to learn about triggers first?
Once I gave this book the proper attention it deserved and I
stepped away from the perspective of a caregiver battling our mental health
care system, I was able to tuck away a few helpful things. I also now understand that trauma care is
still in its infancy. Just because it’s
not part of our education today doesn’t mean it won’t be a required class in
high school or college someday, or that caregivers will, one day, be given
consistent trauma training.
Training/therapy aside, I think the sooner we know that everyone is
dealing with trauma (some with unrecognized trauma) and that trauma affects
everyone differently, the better we can care for each other.
Here are the things that resonated with me most:
·
Oprah: “We don’t begin our lives by asking: Am I
enough? Am I worthy? Am I deserving or lovable?”
·
Oprah: “The spiritual teacher Gary Zukav has
said, ‘When you find an addiction, do not be ashamed. Be joyful.
You have found something that you have come to this Earth to heal. When you confront and heal an addiction, you
are doing the deepest spiritual work that you can do on this earth.’” When I was a teenager I attended Al-Anon
meetings, which taught me to see addiction as a disease. This helped me separate loved ones from the
disease, which kept me sane. Zukav’s
wisdom adds a whole new layer to my existing beliefs, especially since I was
also taught that my loved ones would always struggle with the disease, even
when sober and drug-free. How to stay a
safe distance away but be supportive is the fragile line many of us find
ourselves teetering on. Zukav’s words
have padded my sense of pride for those who are doing successful healing work.
·
Perry: “Even in the absence of major traumatic
events, unpredictable stress and the lack of control that goes with it are
enough to make our stress-response systems sensitize – overactive and overly
reactive – creating the internal storm.”
Ok, so how can I help identify stress for others who are experiencing it
but maybe not realizing it? Do they need
help identifying it or do I take a step back?
How can I make situations less stressful?
·
Oprah: “Children know from birth whether their
caregiver’s eyes light up when they enter a room.” This is absolutely true. Thank you, Oprah for saying this. It’s so simple, but it’s something that isn’t
easy to understand. Unconditional love
isn’t part of the basic package you get as a human being, but man, when it
happens, you know who is giving it. People
who fake it or just don’t get it are one of my greatest pain points. If you don’t unconditionally love someone,
don’t string them along!
·
Perry: I can’t quote it because it’s too long,
but I spent days thinking about how Perry compared trauma to a shipwreck, and
how it’s necessary to revisit that part of yourself and figure out what pieces
you’re going to take forward with you so that you can heal. I can’t think of a better time to have
someone in your corner and how there are people doing this healing work
alone.
·
Perry: Everything he says about resilience. But especially, “We often use our belief in
another person’s ‘resilience’ as an emotional shield.” Guilty!
Also, “Your connectedness to other people is so key to buffering any
current stressor – and healing from past trauma.” Ok, so this is something I can work on. Just saying hi to people I see all the time
can help build this connection. It’s
awkward, but I can do this.
·
Perry with the BEST PIECE OF ADVICE in the whole
book: “You can’t talk someone out of feeling angry, sad, or frustrated, but you
can be a sponge (reflective listening) and absorb their emotional
intensity. If you stay regulated,
ultimately they will ‘catch’ your calm.”
He also talks about the tone and rhythm of our voices being more
important than words, which is tough for someone who loves words (note the long
review). I love the idea of absorbing
another person’s emotional intensity.
The tricky part is making sure I’m listening and strong enough that day
(regulated) to do this. The practice of
building strength for another person and making sure I’m regulated has been
surprisingly beneficial to my own well-being.
·
Perry: Everything he says about relational
poverty hits home. I spent most of my
childhood in solitude, completely isolated, and it’s taken a lot of time to
work with my social anxiety. As an
adult, I do not belong to any groups and struggle like crazy to maintain a few
family relationships. But I recognize I
am deeply protective of my solitude, even at the risk of loneliness. Thanks, childhood! : ) I spend a lot of time wondering how people
make friendships look so easy. Knowing
that we are all struggling to some extent with relational poverty is both sad
as heck but also reassuring. We all want
connection! I’m definitely looking at
everyone a little differently. And also
thinking about the role the library plays in this and how my newfound knowledge
of relational poverty can help guide the programming I’m involved with.
·
Perry: “When somebody is being rude, our typical
response is to get caught up in the contagion of their emotions – we get
dysregulated and then we mirror their rude behaviors.” TRUTH
·
Perry: “Our society’s transgenerational social
fabric is fraying.” This has kept me up
at night. How do we fix this?
·
Oprah: “Strength times strength times strength
equals power.” Thank you, Oprah, for
ending this on a positive note.
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