Strength times strength times strength equals power.

What Happened to You? by Bruce D. Perry & Oprah Winfrey (Adult Nonfiction)

The first time I sat down to read this, I did not give it the time and attention it deserves.  I felt so frustrated the first time I tried reading this book, I simply skimmed it and tried to glean something helpful and move on fast.  I think the frustration was a mixture of helplessness combined with an assortment of feelings I felt while reading the stories, which were a little too close to home.  Thankfully, What Happened to You was chosen for a work committee’s book discussion and I gave it another chance. 

Trauma only became a part of my vocabulary several years ago when my husband and I became the guardians of two teens.  Prior to that, it was not something I really thought about.  Both teens had wildly different experiences with therapy and trauma therapy was only offered to one of them.  Bruce Perry talks about the inconsistencies in trauma training, which didn’t surprise me based on my experiences with the inconsistencies in therapy in general.  Even though both kids experienced trauma prior to coming and living with us (in addition to the trauma of being uprooted from their lives and living with us, because that is technically trauma too), it is confusing why one child was offered trauma therapy and the other one wasn’t.  Just from my perspective as a family member, trauma therapy was intense.  My husband and I were included in a family therapy session each week to assist with the trauma therapy, which included a couple of really tough weeks of reliving the trauma endured.  Even with the extra help from her therapist, my husband and I didn’t always do things correctly.  It felt like the instructions we received from the therapist happened backwards.  For example, even though hugs were usually fine, they were a trigger during an episode.  But we only learned this after I made the mistake of giving a hug during an episode.  Wouldn’t it be more beneficial for caregivers to learn about triggers first? 

Once I gave this book the proper attention it deserved and I stepped away from the perspective of a caregiver battling our mental health care system, I was able to tuck away a few helpful things.  I also now understand that trauma care is still in its infancy.  Just because it’s not part of our education today doesn’t mean it won’t be a required class in high school or college someday, or that caregivers will, one day, be given consistent trauma training.  Training/therapy aside, I think the sooner we know that everyone is dealing with trauma (some with unrecognized trauma) and that trauma affects everyone differently, the better we can care for each other.

Here are the things that resonated with me most:

·         Oprah: “We don’t begin our lives by asking: Am I enough? Am I worthy? Am I deserving or lovable?”

·         Oprah: “The spiritual teacher Gary Zukav has said, ‘When you find an addiction, do not be ashamed.  Be joyful.  You have found something that you have come to this Earth to heal.  When you confront and heal an addiction, you are doing the deepest spiritual work that you can do on this earth.’”  When I was a teenager I attended Al-Anon meetings, which taught me to see addiction as a disease.  This helped me separate loved ones from the disease, which kept me sane.  Zukav’s wisdom adds a whole new layer to my existing beliefs, especially since I was also taught that my loved ones would always struggle with the disease, even when sober and drug-free.  How to stay a safe distance away but be supportive is the fragile line many of us find ourselves teetering on.  Zukav’s words have padded my sense of pride for those who are doing successful healing work.

·         Perry: “Even in the absence of major traumatic events, unpredictable stress and the lack of control that goes with it are enough to make our stress-response systems sensitize – overactive and overly reactive – creating the internal storm.”  Ok, so how can I help identify stress for others who are experiencing it but maybe not realizing it?  Do they need help identifying it or do I take a step back?  How can I make situations less stressful?

·         Oprah: “Children know from birth whether their caregiver’s eyes light up when they enter a room.”  This is absolutely true.  Thank you, Oprah for saying this.  It’s so simple, but it’s something that isn’t easy to understand.  Unconditional love isn’t part of the basic package you get as a human being, but man, when it happens, you know who is giving it.  People who fake it or just don’t get it are one of my greatest pain points.  If you don’t unconditionally love someone, don’t string them along!

·         Perry: I can’t quote it because it’s too long, but I spent days thinking about how Perry compared trauma to a shipwreck, and how it’s necessary to revisit that part of yourself and figure out what pieces you’re going to take forward with you so that you can heal.  I can’t think of a better time to have someone in your corner and how there are people doing this healing work alone. 

·         Perry: Everything he says about resilience.  But especially, “We often use our belief in another person’s ‘resilience’ as an emotional shield.”  Guilty!  Also, “Your connectedness to other people is so key to buffering any current stressor – and healing from past trauma.”  Ok, so this is something I can work on.  Just saying hi to people I see all the time can help build this connection.  It’s awkward, but I can do this.

·         Perry with the BEST PIECE OF ADVICE in the whole book: “You can’t talk someone out of feeling angry, sad, or frustrated, but you can be a sponge (reflective listening) and absorb their emotional intensity.  If you stay regulated, ultimately they will ‘catch’ your calm.”  He also talks about the tone and rhythm of our voices being more important than words, which is tough for someone who loves words (note the long review).  I love the idea of absorbing another person’s emotional intensity.  The tricky part is making sure I’m listening and strong enough that day (regulated) to do this.  The practice of building strength for another person and making sure I’m regulated has been surprisingly beneficial to my own well-being. 

·         Perry: Everything he says about relational poverty hits home.  I spent most of my childhood in solitude, completely isolated, and it’s taken a lot of time to work with my social anxiety.  As an adult, I do not belong to any groups and struggle like crazy to maintain a few family relationships.  But I recognize I am deeply protective of my solitude, even at the risk of loneliness.  Thanks, childhood! : )  I spend a lot of time wondering how people make friendships look so easy.  Knowing that we are all struggling to some extent with relational poverty is both sad as heck but also reassuring.  We all want connection!  I’m definitely looking at everyone a little differently.  And also thinking about the role the library plays in this and how my newfound knowledge of relational poverty can help guide the programming I’m involved with.

·         Perry: “When somebody is being rude, our typical response is to get caught up in the contagion of their emotions – we get dysregulated and then we mirror their rude behaviors.”  TRUTH

·         Perry: “Our society’s transgenerational social fabric is fraying.”  This has kept me up at night.  How do we fix this?

·         Oprah: “Strength times strength times strength equals power.”  Thank you, Oprah, for ending this on a positive note.