meandering

Robert and I had a rare weekend off together this past weekend.  We explored Weston, MO where we did some coffee shop flopping (I sewed and Robert click-clacked on his laptop), wandered around their tiny and adorable Main Street (they had a Polish Pottery Festival happening, which included a polka band), and ended the day with some bug-free, zero humidity hiking (probably the last perfect weather for a few months).  On Sunday we did a short walk with my niece, Izzy, and her bunny (Margo and Josie know these creatures as bun buns).  Margo and Josie did not eat the bunny and were only vaguely aware it existed.  Izzy is doing well - same job and relationship for quite some time.  She is content with both.  And well, she has a happy bun bun, so that says something too.

And always there's tennis, which is really just an opportunity for Margo to read the newspaper of whatever park we're at (though I have yet to see, hear, or smell these newspapers due to my human limitations).

All things sweet and lovely

A few recent updates and happy moments.

I'm still cutting up books and making boards for this summer's Walk & Reads.  This is a board from After Squidnight, which is one of the best picture books ever.

Robert got me a lovely box of Easter chocolates that are already gone (even though I groused about how they were too pretty to eat).  They were the ever-so-fancy Christopher Elbows and a nice surprise.  

We've been having such beautiful weather!  After work most days the girls accompany me to the tennis backboard and after I play for a bit, we go for a walk. Josie and Margo now see my tennis bag and get super excited, which is kind of a funny association.  

This is Josie patiently waiting for me to put my sneakers on.

I've been doing book boxes for Izzy and Harper, another niece of mine.  Each month I pick out books and a small gift to go along with the books.  It's been expensive but so much fun.  Harper and I have been reading together over the phone and it's one of the best things ever.  March was a fun month because I pre-ordered the latest book in a series Izzy loves and it arrived! I also found a pouch with a picture of the first book on ebay. I may have put some Easter candy in it ; ).  Finding books for Harper is definitely giving me a better understanding of early chapter books.  It's surprising, but I have developed strong opinions about a few of the series.  I will never be able to recommend them the same way!

Each day there's always a moment for the dogs to tuck in close with me.  I have a good time sending pictures to Robert and asking him to guess the dog.  

This sweet girl is obviously Josie who is the cuddliest and best dog to have on the couch when I'm cold.

And probably the most exciting thing that's happened is that Izzy's braces came off!!!

Look how pretty her teeth are! She has been at her current placement for almost a year now and we are still seeing her every chance we get and talking to her every day.  She is doing really well in both her therapy and school.  

an update with some drool thrown in

December has gone by so fast! I am still working mostly from home. My library system is still open with reduced hours. I've been going in for one or two desk shifts a month. At home I have been doing mostly virtual programs and telephone reference. After months of low attendance, I finally made the decision to merge my monthly teen program with another teen program. It was tough to go from a successful in-person teen program to lots of awkward virtual teen programs where 1-3 teens showed up. It was even tougher to cancel the program.

I co-facilitated my first book club discussion ever - a tween book club discussion, and it was interesting. I'm not sure it's my cup of tea. We have lots of virtual book clubs for both adults and kids and they are hugely successful. I've also started helping out with adult writing programs this past season, which has been a lot of fun, and I just wrapped up my first season of virtual storytimes. This spring I'll take a break from storytimes. Oh how I miss in-person storytimes! If I think about it too long I get a little weepy.

As you can see Josie is a little jealous of Wilbur. But Josie loved doing storytimes. Just like with in-person storytimes, I practiced almost every day. And Josie would practice with me. My storytime area was in Rachel's room, which is upstairs. My office is also upstairs. When I would "go" to work every morning Josie would make a beeline for her storytime bed in Rachel's room. She was always ready to do storytime!

In January I'll be helping give my first ever virtual booktalks for a local high school. I've done in-person booktalks for both high schools and middle schools and they were tough but rewarding. I'm always reading a variety of materials but I've been reading mostly teen books this past month so I'm caught up on the new stuff.

I have lots of art projects going. I'm simultaneously trying out new things while working on my existing skills. I've been able to squeeze in a little more time thanks to Robert working extra long hours, having no kids in the house, and not going anywhere. It's been a good time explore, and during the long hours when I'm alone with the dogs it's nice to have something to keep my mind busy.

Here is my newest collage:

I painted the papers first, chopped everything up, and then spent a lot of happy time moving pieces around until they felt right.

Robert is working more than ever. He officially has his first employee for his computer business and the transition has been been smooth but a lot of work. He's also still managing the athletic timing systems for the school districts around us and has been super duper busy. Hopefully soon he has only the equivalent of a job and a half and we can also start traveling again ; ).

Rachel is still in school. She's going through a tough phase and has distanced herself from us. We've made it clear we're here any time she's ready. And so we wait.

Izzy is doing good. She is still in a residential facility and continues to have behavioral issues relating to the trauma she endured. Due to the continued violent outbursts she still cannot come home and we are working through accepting that she may not ever be able to come back home. Her therapist says consistency and repetition are vital so Robert and I have been talking to her almost every day and doing therapy with her once a week. We practice the same ways to express emotions and deal with behavior over and over again, and I think it's starting to stick just a little. She has a lot of work ahead of her but she is tenacious, hopeful, smart, and has enough enthusiasm for at least five people. She is also passing her classes and learning to take the lead on her IEP  (though still including us every step of the way).

Due to COVID-19 we are still unable to have in-person visits but we were able to visit her outside last week during a warm and sunny day. And Margo and Josie joined us!

When I'm not working I've been enjoying taking the girls out for hikes and walks. They bring the sunshine even on the cloudiest days.

Josie is still a little crazy. She has a lot of energy, but she can also be really mellow.

Josie also smiles! She adores Robert, who has a smidgen more patience for her excessive energy.

Margo is my girl. And I am hers. We have a few rituals. One revolves around tea. After I eat I almost always have a cup of tea. Margo patiently waits until I'm finished eating. When I pick up my tea she creeps over and lays her head in my lap for love. She almost always starts drooling and is very particular about how she gets love. Face then neck then butt. Lots of drool. Repeat repeat repeat. I now keep a little box of tissues nearby for the drool. Sometimes I confuse her and drink tea while I'm still eating or I do something terrible and start reading. When this happens she waits patiently until I figure out whatever terrible mistake I've made and I put the food or book down. She has waited as long as five pages for me to come to my senses. I won't break your heart and tell you how she sometimes waits a long time before throwing herself to the floor in total despair.

Paper Quilt

Izzy helped me pick out all the papers and cut them into rounded squares for my first collage quilt, so this is a special piece for me. I'm hoping to get it custom framed once we're no longer social distancing. Robert and I started visiting Izzy, which has been both really nice and also a bit frustrating because of social distancing. I'm hoping we can continue creating things together and have been pondering how to do that while we're still social distancing. 

Papers included in this piece:

* Three chocolate wrappers. Two are Alter Eco, and one of the Alter Eco wrappers came from a friend of mine, who saved all kinds of cool food wrappers for me.

* The paper from a disposable tea cup from Kew Gardens. I carefully peeled the paper off of everyone's cups and tucked them away for the right time. I still have some left for another piece.

* Yogi tea boxes, which are one of my favorite things in the world.

* Dried flowers.

* Perfume sample cards (so it smells good too).

* Shopping bags (including Hallmark's lovely tan and white printed bag).

* Samples from a fabric magazine. Sadly, I haven't found any fabric magazines for awhile, so I've been using the last few I have sparingly. 

Ok

I don't have a lot to write about these days and some days I'm ok with this. Other days I feel a bit concerned I'm not keeping my mind and eyes open.

I think traveling gives us a new perspective, experiences we haven't had, which gives us back our childlike wonder. There have been a few moments when I start to miss the adventures we used to go on, the weekends we took off for some exotic place like Nebraska or Arkansas. I usually scold myself for this because my family is incredibly fortunate. We have been healthy, working mostly from home with all the comforts we sometimes take for granted - adequate shelter, air conditioning, jobs, and enough space in our home to get away from each other for our work. I often think about folks who came to the library for all of these things before the pandemic, and I feel equally grateful and guilty. 

Most days I am content to remain hunkered down and away from people while we get this virus figured out. I know too many people who are at risk, people I adore and already fret over because of their ages and illnesses. I know people who are struggling with the complications from the virus weeks after they contracted it. 

I recognize I'm very much an introvert so that's working in my favor too. Pre-pandemic I would go for walks and find myself turning in a completely different direction when I saw another person. I still do this, especially when I'm attempting to take a people break. Pre-pandemic I went from taking days off work because I needed a break from people. Now I work almost every day due to programming and telephone reference, and though it's more exhausting to provide services and programs for patrons in a virtual environment, I have more opportunities to take breaks from people, small chunks of time I can get away. 

Rachel is still set to go back to her university soon, but we've heard stories of schools changing their minds the day before students move back to their dorms. Rachel is more than ready to leave, but Robert and I are nervous about her going. School is such a sticky wicket! 

Izzy is doing well. She is in a long-term care facility and we have no idea when she's going to start school or how it's going to work. We talk to her almost every day and visited with her last week (while social distancing). We're still waiting for answers that may not exist. It's a one-day-at-a-time journey.

But like I said, not a lot is going on here. Today I think I'm ok with that.

Izzy

I don't often talk about the negative stuff, even when it's a big part of my life. I try to focus on the positive, and even when I can't, I try to involve as few people as possible. To me, negativity is malignant and so so tough to get rid of. I've been bogged down in it before, and I never want to let that happen again or be the catalyst of it happening to people I love. I recognize I've let people down though by not giving them the opportunity to be there for me or help me get through some tough stuff.

So here it is. Robert and I are currently going through some tough stuff. 

In late February Izzy had a meltdown where she became violent. I didn't say anything about it because my blog is a positive space, and though Izzy has a history of violent behavior, Robert and I were hopeful that the extra steps we took after the incident would put an end to the violent behavior. In late April, Izzy had another violent meltdown and Robert and I agreed that she needed more help than we could give. Currently Izzy is in a residential facility and it's been a really long, complicated process that is far from over.

I was locked in this soul-crushing denial that she could quickly get the help she needed, the tools to handle her anger, and come home. But it's not a quick process. And in the last week there has been a kind of acceptance of the situation that feels like someone is squeezing the life out of my heart but has also given me the ability to start living again. And part of living again is getting to where I am ok talking about the situation.

Robert and I love Izzy. We want the best for her. Living with us is not the best thing for her right now. I went into this experience completely unskilled in dealing with kids who have endured unspeakable trauma and also kids with special needs, and eleven months later I still feel the same way. Our mental health care system is deeply flawed. To put my trust in the hands of individuals who turned Izzy away for months until her behavior became too violent to ignore, is killing me. But Robert and I aren't equipped to deal with violence, and it feels a little like we're trapped in a maze with no way out and no way to help Izzy on our own. 

Surprisingly (and I say this with cautious hopefulness) Izzy is getting the help she needs. She's also finally getting testing for multiple things, which Rusty A.K.A. James (her father) and Robert and I could never get for her (too old but not an adult, wait lists galore). We talk to her almost every day, and she's certainly regressed in age and maturity level but sounds happy. She's also got a team of people a mile long, an even bigger team than the one she had prior to residential living. They also haven't changed her medication and aren't doing that thing where they medicate someone so much the person is in a complete fog. It hurts to say this but she's almost blissfully unaware of her situation and is thriving where she's at. 

Her violent behavior has continued. She's still a master manipulator. And there's the possibility that whatever makes her different will keep her stuck processing the world through the eyes of a child. But she's getting help.

Robert and I have been putting one foot in front of the other, taking it one day at a time, staying involved with everyone on her team on almost a daily basis, and as much as it feels like it's not enough, there are moments when I can tell myself that it is. 

That is all for now. I will keep everyone updated on Izzy. 

piles of dead fish and paper

Here's a quick update of what's going on in our neck of the woods:

Rachel's been hard at work re-creating a Goya painting (with acrylics thankfully). One of her assignments is to re-create a famous painting that's as close to the original as she can get. Naturally she chose a pile of dead fish. 

I've been doing the paparazzi thing when I walk by her room, snapping pictures of her progress.

And yes, Rachel is a bit of a slob. She's not only a bit of a slob, she also does that thing that creative people do, where we abandon everything but the project we're working on.

We made our tried and true orange rolls recipe, which needs to prove twice but is totally worth it.

These are without icing for a reason. We're usually unanimous about not putting icing on things in our house and when we're not, we put it on the side.

Izzy and I have been working on our first collage together. We've been cutting out pieces for a couple weeks and just started pasting the pieces down.

Our little book club is still going but has evolved. I'm a little proud of it. It goes like this:

1. Read a chapter

2. We each pick out a favorite word from the chapter and write a poem with the word.

3. Izzy uses an old-fashioned dictionary to look up the words. She writes them on index cards for the future.

4. We also talk about what we've read that day.

5. We go over the flashcards before we read each day.

This is going to help her with spelling and vocabulary. She has also expressed interest in poetry and has attempted to write it. But I don't think she's had much experience with reading/listening to it and learning about it. While we craft together I put my music on shuffle. My music library has a ton of poetry mixed in so she's started listening to it as well.

We've been taking a lot of walks. I've been compiling a lot inspiration for future art projects.

This is Josie-pie with Robert. Any time we come up to a wall she immediately leaps up. She loves jumping. Margo has never jumped up on a wall. She was even scared to get in the fountaing. 

But look at Josie's face. Isn't that the sweetest face? She really wants to be a good dog but she has energy for days (which is code for trouble) and still assaults people with her love. She's a hoot.

You've got to spread joy up to the maximum

We are doing well! 

Robert and I developed a schedule for Izzy that's helped tremendously. Because her grades were good before spring break she doesn't really need to do anything extra. Her sophomore year is done. But she needs to keep everything she's learned fresh in her mind in addition to continuing the learning itself. Her teachers have been sending her school work and the head of her IEP team has been in constant contact, helping us develop a plan. Robert and I are using a combination of some of her school work with activities we've come up with. We have also transitioned both her primary therapy and the additional therapy and group therapy provided by the county through virtual sessions. We officially have a day-by-day plan for her that we implemented last Wednesday and Izzy's relaxed a bit now that there's structure in her life again. 

Rachel has been slogging through her studies. My office, Robert's office, and Rachel's room are all upstairs. I often peek in her room unless she's in an online class. Chemistry has been tough. I think she was getting a lot of additional help at KU, so that's been a change for her. She does seem to be enjoying one of her design classes and also typography.  I'm enjoying having her at home and definitely feel like I know more about her classes than I did when she was at the university.  Rachel and I also have the same sense of humor, and it's nice to have someone around who laughs at the same stuff I do (mostly we laugh uproariously when random blobs of food hit the floor while we're making dinner). That's the style of humor we have. It goes completely over Izzy's head and Robert just shoots us a stern nerd look. This of course makes whatever silly situation that is happening that much funnier.

Robert's work has slowed a bit now that his clients are set up at home, but he's still working just as much as I am, if not more.  His car broke down just as this was all starting. For a couple years we have been planning on getting new cars but life keeps happening (Europe trip, new child, expanding the nerd business etc.). Because the cost of fixing his car was astronomical we made the decision to purchase a new car. A few months ago Robert also ordered custom desks for his office (a necessary life happening). They were scheduled to be here in May but were delivered last week. So there's been an added layer of chaos with the new shiny things, but we've been enjoying the plethora of desk space in Robert's office for homework, crafting, and library work. I'm sure he'll eventually get his desks back. We've also taken a couple joy rides in the new car, which has offered a nice break (if you call watching all our favorite restaurants struggle to say in business while Robert blares the Pitch Perfect soundtracks a break).

I've been doing well. I've been thoroughly enjoying my library work at home. I miss the patrons and all the interactions with both patrons and coworkers that shapes everything I do, but I've enjoyed spending extra time on projects, brainstorming new ideas/projects, and using my office space (and Robert's) to work on everything while blaring loud rap music (only in my office, which we designed to be mostly sound proof, no joke). I haven't heard a screaming toddler in over two weeks, which is usually my background "music" for work, and it's a nice break. I have been making enormous strides with puppets, slowly learning the ukulele, and leisurely watching videos of amazing people doing extraordinary things with libraries and early literacy. I also have all my side projects and "homeschooling" Izzy to keep me super busy when I'm not librarying.

At the end of the day we all take a long walk with each other and afterwards, settle in with dinner and Star Trek (NG). I'm enjoying my family and am taking it one day at a time. 

Before COVID-19 I walked maybe 1-2 miles each work day and on the weekends, 3-5 miles a day. Now we're walking 2-4 miles most work days and about 5-7 miles on the weekends. It's a great way to casually talk about what's going on with everybody, whereas at dinner it can sometimes feel like an interrogation with Rachel and Izzy.

Occasionally our schedules don't line up and we can't all walk together. The rule is everyone has to take the dogs out every day, even if it's just around the block. This means the dogs are occasionally getting three walks a day. They've been a lot more mellow because of this.

Robert and I have braved the store twice since this started. Both times we had several meal plans in case the store was out of something we needed for a recipe. We are only making tried and true recipes during this time, which is sad for me because I like trying new things. But I am super thankful I began compiling all our favorite recipes in two places a few months ago. I've been scanning/taking pictures of all the recipes we love and also keep them in an official binder. Making meal plans has been super easy because of this. One of our favorite things has been this kale salad recipe I got from a coworker several years ago. We also add pepper and slivered almonds to it. It's amazing and all four of us love it, which is close to a miracle. The only other meal we can all agree on is baked chicken and broccoli. 

We bought all the kale we could find the last time we shopped and tripled the recipe. It's like eating sunshine.

Here is one desk Robert put together and he's hard at work putting the other one together in this picture. With his old desk (which was my grandma's), he now has three desks, which is hopefully enough to put all the computers he's working on (and Izzy's homework and whatever crafting/library thing I'm working on).

Ella has been relishing the extra attention. She loves when Rachel is home. When I come downstairs to take a tea break I usually find Rachel snuggled up with Ella during one of her breaks. Rachel has even fallen asleep this way. Ella likes her quiet time, but loves all the extra love we've been able to smother her with.

new weird normal

It's taken several days, but our family has settled into our new, temporary routine.  

I've been working at home since last week, Robert has been a lot busier helping businesses work from home, and Rachel started her online classes this week. We still don't know if Izzy will be continuing her semester classes online or finishing the semester with her 3rd quarter grades. Last semester she started over with math, which is what I had to do when I started college. It's crazy but true. I started with first grade math and worked my way up to Algebra, which is as far as I needed to make it in order to graduate. I had huge holes in my education, and Izzy's the same way. She is almost finished with second grade math (in addition to wading through high school geometry). A couple weeks ago we were given permission and access to have her start over with English as well as math. She does a few lessons each day and Robert and I help her with the tricky stuff. Other than that, she's largely without things to do. She struggles to entertain herself and is quite social. It's been really tough for her so we're hopeful we can get some online learning of some kind or another set up for her. 

Even though I'm working from home, I've been waking up at my normal time, some time between 5 and 6, and have continued my morning yoga and quick jog with one of the puppies. Before breakfast, Izzy and I usually read a bit of the last book that was assigned to her for her English class, which is Malala. Izzy, Robert, and I have breakfast together and develop a daily plan for Izzy before Robert and I "go to work." One of us wakes Rachel up at 8. She has classes all day two days of the week and then it's very random. She will lay in her bed all day if we don't hassle her. This happened during winter break as well. She's been doing much better this time around, getting up when we ask her to, and participating in family activities. We usually all have lunch together unless one of us needs to keep working. Then we work for a few more hours before I round up whoever is free for an afternoon walk.  One of us makes dinner or heats up leftovers and I usually squeeze in another hour or two of work that's not library work. We have dinner and afterwards Izzy and I usually read a bit more Malala. 

I'm hoping we find out about Izzy's classes here in the next few days. We've also got to make another trip to the grocery store here soon, which I'm dreading, but it's a two-person job and we're out of quite a few things at this point.

What's everyone else doing during this bizarro time? I hope everyone has settled into a new, temporary routine and enjoying the unexpected extra family/pet time.

Here are a few pictures of our new normal:

When we go for walks we try to look for the unusual. My friend, Ann, who's a poet calls these moments her 'haiku moments,' so that's how I now think of them too.

Ella has definitely been enjoying the extra company. She's a big fan of Rachel.

If Rachel's not sleeping whenever I duck my head into her room, there's usually something unexpected going on in there. 

Doom Vs. Happy Chaos

Both storytimes this week felt like a bit of a train wreck. I fumbled with a few things in the first storytime, and though I managed to cobble together all my wits (and marbles) for the second storytime, the kids had way too much energy and it didn't matter.

My theme was all about counting this week.

Yoga Pose: Volcano (from last week), which was a hit in the first storytime, but the kids in the second storytime were much too quiet and shy for this in the second storytime. I'll let you know the second the peanut butter and jelly hit the fan here in a moment.

Sign Language: Last week we learned "thank you" and "you're welcome," which everyone appeared to enjoy learning. This week I taught the sign for "please," but nobody gave a fart about it. I got a lot of blank stares and very little grown-up participation.

Books we read:

Eggs 123 by Janet Halfman and Betsy Thompson

I thought the kids were going to have so much fun guessing the animals. It was definitely trickier than other guessing books we've read, but I thought they were ready for it. Only a couple animals were guessed. During the first storytime I received a lot of blank looks and incorrect answers (which I realize is better than nothing). Right as I picked this book up to read in the second storytime my small group of quiet kids suddenly had infinite amounts of energy and could not focus on this book. 

Ten Hungry Pigs by Derek Anderson

Both groups were too wound up to enjoy this much.

Parachute Play (during first storytime):

This was the same as last week and everyone enjoyed themselves.

Shaker Eggs (during second storytime):

I handed out the eggs and then my mind went blank. I couldn't remember a single shaker egg song. I think the chaos level in the room wasn't helping my brief memory lapse either. I finally cobbled together a song about shaking the eggs from "ear to ear" and other body parts the kids suggested. This turned out to be fun and one of the few moments the kids were engaged during the second storytime.

Magnetic Board Rhymes: 

Valentines, which I did last year. The first storytime enjoyed these. The second storytime didn't care one bit.

I also attempted to do the Five Little Elephants activity but I completely messed it up. Even with lots of practice, I still manage to bomb things. I didn't bring this out in the second storytime because A. I was still mortified. And B. They were too wound up to focus on this rhyme.

Songs: I changed up our first quieting down rhyme today with "Open Shut Them/I Have 10 Little Fingers by Kathy Reid-Naiman. The first group really enjoyed the first half of this song so I'm going to play that half next week. The kids in the second storytime were all sitting so sweetly and quietly I didn't think we needed a quieting down song. I am not exaggerating when I say these kids went from quiet and shy to crazy energetic in less than a second.

We also sang 10 Little Bubbles by Sara Hickman, which has been such a hit in the past. Sadly, one boy said it went too fast for him in the first storytime, and it was a total flop in the second storytime.

Learning Moments:

* Always have shaker eggs and shaker egg songs at the ready.

* Slow down and take deep breaths, even if it's in front of a crowd of children. Especially if it's in front of a crowd of children. I usually do a great job of asking everyone to take deep breaths with me, and today I totally forgot.

* Don't bring out any magnetic board activities when the kids are too wound up to focus on them. Even if it's close to Valentine's Day and I'm super eager to share my Valentines with them because it's a once-a-year thing.

* Lastly, I've decided to share this, because I think it's important. Like lots of people I sometimes struggle with anxiety. I don't talk about it much because I don't allow it to control my life. I've spent many years managing it and feel like I've made peace with it. Usually my anxiety only lasts a few hours at a time, and rarely does it last more than a day. When I struggle with anxiety I think of it as "The Doom." It's a mixture of things including dread, sadness, my brain trying to question nearly all of the decisions I've ever made in my life, and negative thoughts about nearly everything I do that I normally think I do fairly well.. Pretty much my brain turns against me, and it's a struggle to turn it off and/or re-focus. The Doom usually just happens. I've never been able to figure out if there's something that causes it. 

Though Rachel had some struggles last week, we created a path forward, which is all I ask for with her tendency to make poor life decisions and her off-and-on struggle with self-destructive behavior. She even came home over the weekend, which gave us all time to talk. I had a great day at work this past Saturday and came home feeling happy with pretty much everything, including two successful teen programs. Saturday evening The Doom hit. And it decided to stay for a few days. I think I'm finally escaping it, but this is one of the longest periods that The Doom has visited.

Izzy and I struggled with homework pretty much the whole day on Sunday, which gave me little time to tackle The Doom. It also put me behind a day. I never thought I would spend an entire day trying to teach someone what verbs/adjectives/nouns are, especially after going over them nearly every day for the past several months. Izzy's memory issues can be so tricky, and sometimes I just want to sit down and cry because I'm consumed by all theses questions about how she's going to make it in the world without all the lists and reminders and help she gets on a daily basis. She is making so much progress though and has tenacity for days (enough to carry me when I'm struggling). 

The Doom lasted for a couple days but I was super proud of keeping it together and getting so much done. Art projects like collaging are a no-go during The Doom, but carefully grooming an elderly golden retriever is almost cathartic. I try to focus on tasks that are black and white, nothing creative or difficult. I only yanked the tail off a paper quail I've been working on for a while. Then I moved on to other things. This is a huge improvement for me.

If someone had told me ten years ago I was going to give storytimes while struggling with The Doom I wouldn't have believed it. I also wouldn't have believed that a storytime, crazy or not, could make The Doom go away, but it's happened a couple times. I really enjoy toddler and preschooler energy and the crazy things they say. Their joy is infectious. So while these storytimes weren't amazing, I think everyone still had a great time, and shortly after storytime (and a lunch time nap) The Doom finally disappeared.