Soaking up their sunshine

It has been a whirlwind here.  I flew to Tucson at the end of February and spent a few days with my brother, Scott and his family, and before I got back Robert left for a week to do a couple jobs in Colorado.  We are both back home and getting caught up on life.

Getting to see my brother and his crew was much-needed balm for my soul.  I adore them all, and it's tough to be an aunt and sister form afar.

I finally got to meet my nephew, Grant, who is just over a year old.  It was a wild time, and we lived it up like we always do when we get together.  

Here are a few moments from our time together:

My first day there we went to Tohono Chul, which is one of my favorite places on earth.  It's this magical botanical garden filled with incredible art, more desert beauty than you can possibly see in one go, and passionate docents who are eager to share their knowledge.  Tohono Chul also has an art gallery, a crested saguaro who is one of my soul mates, and a lovely children's area.

Savannah, who is four, has that same sideways look and smile Scott wore in so many of his childhood pictures.  Grant, who is just over a year old, is ready to drive!

Here is Gumby, the crested saguaro.  I met him in 2021 on a visit out there, and he's become a presence in my dreams.  I've had some great conversations with docents about this saguaro and have been working on a poem about him for a few years.

We also visited the Children's Museum, which is another Tucson treasure.  We had a lot of fun pretending to shop, playing with blocks, making bats zip across the room, and pretending to drive things like a real fire truck!

We went swimming, moseyed around aimlessly, and spent a lot of time just enjoying each other.  Autumn, who is twelve, and I worked on her journal, which is a Wreck This Journal.  We painted pages and then destroyed them.  We sewed some things into her journal using the most haphazard stitches so it would be perfectly ugly.  The journal is barely in one piece at this point and would never be something I would enjoy but I love that Autumn is so into it, and I was happy to wreck it with her after watching her wreck it over FaceTime the last few months.  I also got to see the last few minutes of one her rehearsals at the musical company she's a part of.  Savannah and I spent plenty of time playing outside on her slide and swing, and we even drew chalk creatures together.  I held Grant every chance I got, because I'm sure he'll be walking next time I see him!

Autumn is as tall as me!

It's tough to be so far away from my family - I have an Arizona brother, Texas brother, and Florida brother.  Leaving any one of them and their families completely wipes me out.  Scott is the brother closest in age to me, and I've pretty much spent my entire life looking up to him.  I wish we could live closer to each other, but life has taken us to different places.  I cherish every moment I get to spend with him.  Watching him be a dad is a whole new side of him that I treasure, and I'm so stinking proud of him.  I'm so thrilled I have a handful of pictures and videos to tide me over until I see him and his crew again. 

2026

If I had to pick one word for 2025 I would choose the word, "challenging."

It was full of weird, rocky, and sometimes absolutely brutal blessings disguised as anything but.  I think I'm a little more open-minded to riding out the chaos without screeching like a pterodactyl in distress before I see what comes out of it.

Here are my 2026 Resolutions:

* Ask more questions but also listen more and better.

* When in doubt, humor it out.

* Once I'm able to, look for volunteer opportunities.

* Do everything in my power to become more comfortable in my body.

* Many, many breathing exercises.

* Find new avenues to keep family in life and don't give up.

* Get accepted into at least one art fair/opportunity (this one's a little bit out of my control).

* Keep working on my chapbook.  I've got it submitted to a few places, but if it comes back, fiddle some more.  Last year I grew comfortable with how my work isn't cohesive as a whole.  All of it together up may not work.  But first I try.  At some point next year I need to make the decision to divide and conquer.

* Keep creating things and encouraging others to do so.

* Business Goals: transition to CRM w/inventory of bigger awards, grow some, say yes or find answers to everything that's brought in, fiddle with showroom setup, add new things every time something old leaves, create last-minute awards case & Buy It Now area, extend hours (done!) and update hours everywhere (a surprising number of places), organize backroom to better suit different areas of work, update HVAC system even further and add vent hood to sublimation area, overhaul the website.

* Travel at least once with the nerd for nothing but pleasure.

* Work on not being so damn reactionary (just the stress noises and negative stuff like cursing).

* Read as much as I can, whenever I can, and write reviews for all the good books.

* I'm not even going to add tennis to next year's goals.  My first big goal is going for long walks when I'm able to.  Once I'm through PT, my plan is to hire a trainer to help me make sure I'm doing everything right and enough of everything right.

* Embrace cuddle mornings more.

2025

I don't normally do recaps, but 2025 was quite the year.  I can't say that I've grown a ton, but what I can say is that I am in the process of growing in some different ways I wasn't expecting.

This year:

* Robert and I bought an Awards/Personalization business (after shadowing a few months).  Though it was like the flip of a switch as 2024 ticked away the seconds into 2025, Robert and I were already hard at work, cleaning up the building, asking customers what they loved and wished we could do, asking our employee what things she wanted to change and things she didn't want to change.  I was scrubbing down bathrooms during the 2024 holiday break (before we realized we could squeeze bathroom refreshes into the budget).  So when January 1st came around it was both a big day and also just another day.

* We became commercial landlords due to buying the property along with the business.  Really this just means we will never have a snow day as long as we own the property and have a tenant next door.

* We not only bought the business but purchased some new machines for the business after traveling to Las Vegas for the APA conference.  The machines started arriving in March.

* We also refreshed the building - changed out all the slatwall in the showroom, added copious amounts of technology (security cameras, lights, smart outlets, monitors where we can see what's going on out front while we're in the back), overhauled the entire HVAC system for both our shop and the doctor's office next door, added/replaced storage in the back, stripped the bathrooms and tiny kitchen down and replaced everything.  We even added a door with a window in our workroom because there isn't a single window in the back, which is where we work 90% of the time (and one of the changes our employee asked for).

* Robert and I moved my dad to our city, got him about 80% moved in, and then had the unfortunate outcome of my dad saying the hell with us.  This caused some family drama that nearly consumed me.  But on the days it still gets me down I ask myself, would I do it again knowing the outcome?  Absolutely.  I know from outside sources he's happier, healthier, no longer isolated, falling, or unable to take care of himself.   

* I did two art fairs this spring, connected with people and their stories, sold some art, and watched as the weeds from my imposter plant blossomed some.

* I started seeing a G.I. doctor willing to help solve the cause of my symptoms, rather than just the symptoms.  He even referred me to Mayo, where I got even more help.  Took most of our summer, but I am on the right path.  I have a whole list of things I want to do again or try in my life that I thought I wasn't going to be able to do, and I'm getting closer to being able to tackle that list.

* Robert and I celebrated 20 years of putting up with each other.  

* I completely tore the shit out of my right achilles.  A day before my surgery I got a call from the hospital asking if I would be a part of a yearlong psychological study for people with achilles injuries.  They told me they were looking into the psychological impact of the injury, and gave me one of the most depressing and complicated surveys of my adult life.  I was just starting the hard work of all the things that went into my gut issues, trying not to drown in the family drama, nearing the end of my MLS degree, and still completely immersed in my first year as a business owner.  Just the act of someone asking me to be a part of a yearlong psychological survey process for what I considered a small blip in the grand scheme of things felt like the last of the wind being kicked out of me.  But honestly, each time I was absolutely consumed with despair during the initial healing after the surgery I thought about being a part of that study, and I knew I wanted to fucking win it, whatever that looked like.  Maybe that's the whole purpose of the study?  

* After getting through the bed rest part of my healing journey, I came back to work (after working from home during the bed rest) and discovered my one employee was fighting her own battle and was going to need to quit her job.  Robert and I immediately started the interview process, and I buckled down and tried to learn everything I was hoping to learn in year two of owning a business.  I failed spectacularly at this, but everything I've learned has been needed, and it took my mind off the injury.  

* So far the two employees I've hired have been incredible in their own ways.  One is absolutely fearless and willing to problem solve and make anything.  He even modeled two trophy toppers out of clay for a customer.  The other employee came right in, nested on the first day, filled the kitchen cabinet with her foods, learned sand carving in one day, and is incredibly wonderful with people.  She reminds me of a couple people I worked with at the library.  Any time they interacted with patrons I was right there taking notes.  So that's what I find myself doing again!

* I turned 40 in the midst of all of this.

* I officially got my Masters in Library Science.  

* I finally got to see Sara Groves!

care bear beams and roller grill nights

My miserable cast and stitches were removed yesterday.  Good riddance!  The stitches were causing about 80% of the pain, which makes me feel a little embarrassed.  The achilles rupture didn't take me out, but the stitches?  They pretty much turned me into a monster.  

I am only feeling some superficial pain from the stitches.  The biggest thing I'm dealing with is what feels like a forest fire in my boot.  Turns out I carried the fire with me from cast to boot.  Who would have thunk it?  The healing powers are doing some kind of fire dance with bonus crackling flame sensations.

Thankfully Robert found the best ice machine ever with a bootie that fits underneath my boot.  We put the machine between our heads last night and set it to 30 minutes on, 30 minutes off.

This picture is the machine taking up valuable book space.  Sacrifices!  Unlike the ice machine I had after my meniscus repair surgery which had the plug beneath my foot, I can unplug this one on my own.  This is what eleven years of technology advancements looks like.

Josie has been absolutely glued to me since this whole thing started, but even more in the last few days, especially at night.  We weren't sure what she would think of the ice machine and long hose, but she squeezed herself in.  Each time I woke up to rotate myself she was there and a couple times she was even laying on the hose, which didn't look comfortable at all.

She does something I've only known one other dog to do.  She stretches herself out so that she's touching me from head to toe.  Each time I turn she makes small adjustments so that she's still snuggled as close as she can get.  Rose, our maternal and sometimes stern reincarnation of Emily Post, would do this same thing. It's a little like being in a roller grill but the hot dog next to you is glued to you and covered in fur.  Sometimes Josie cuddles so close she oozes into my roller grill spot when I rotate.  After about five turns I only have about five inches of bed space left, and poor Robert has to help me roll her back to her own spot on the roller grill.  This is how it's been going a few times a night: 

"Robert?"

Silence.

"Robert!"

Some kind of unintelligible noise.  

"Your dog's butt." 

That's all I have to say, and he knows it's time to help me move her again.  

I just can't get over this dog.  She is taking such good care of me.  I think Josie and Robert's care have doubled the healing powers in my house.  The beams of light from these two care bears is probably what's fueling the forest fire.

I am wearing all four wedges in my boot right now and non-weight bearing.  One by one the wedges will disappear, and as each one disappears I will become weight bearing 25% at a time (and probably have a taco party each time too).

I start PT next week, and I already know the first question I am going to ask.  I have been separated from my home workouts for too long, and I've already modified the lists to remove the things I can't do at the moment (see you later sumo squats and planks) and left the things I can do (hello upper body weights and leg lifts).  

At the exact moment I had the achilles injury Robert was busy coding a new version of my home workout list.  Prior to the summer, I used a program (shortcut) Robert created to pull 25 numbers from from my exercise list, which has about 100-150 exercises.  Sometimes multiple numbers appeared in the same workout - like a motherload of planks (which I did 30 miserable seconds at a time because that's my max time).  Sometimes the random numbers were balanced.  Sometimes the numbers zinged the other way and I would spend an ungodly amount of time rolling muscles and doing breathing exercises. 

Over the summer I learned the importance of sequencing, and an expert went over my exercises with me.  We deleted a few that were either not a good fit or they just weren't good for your body (turns out sit ups are terrible for you!).  We added in the ones I needed to do for my specific kind of pelvic floor therapy, and the last thing we did was sort them into four categories - warming, strength, balance, and stretching/mindfulness.  Cardio is important too, but it's separate from the home workouts.  Robert was busy coding a program that would give me a list of 3-7 exercises per category.  In addition to creating a program for the four different categories, Robert was factoring in duration too (gotta love his beautiful nerd brain).  There are longer exercises like sun salutations and shorter ones like getting off the floor with zero assists (although there are days this one takes longer!).  I was initially worried about the sequencing, because the surprise of various random generators and shortcuts is a small gift to myself and also helps my mind relax.  With Robert's program I will be able to follow the sequencing while still randoming the numbers within each category.

I know I will not be able to play tennis for another 8-11 months.  But getting my daily exercises back and doing my PT will be a huge mood boost for me.  I've heard it's not going to be easy, but any work I can do will help me feel like I'm doing something to put all the pieces back together again.  Who knows, by the end of the year I might be going for walks with my care bear homies.

stupid drunk on the hope

The small celebration in my last post has opened up into this ginormous, blooming hope.  Wednesday night I woke up and realized my toes were uncomfortable.  It was a weird feeling.  I realized both that they were uncomfortable and that I really hadn't felt them since before the surgery.  I lay there in the dark pondering what to do.  Should I move them?  What if it was painful and the pain kept me up the rest of the night?

I took a chance.  I wiggled them.  Just the small toes, mind you.  I learned the day of the injury that there was something about moving the big toe that caused bright white pain, so that's going to be something I work on later.  

So yes, I wiggled my toes and nothing happened!  I was strangely elated.  Our bodies break.  But they also heal too.  It's tough to remember that second part during the times we're broken (or in self pity's chokehold).

The next day I felt some of the weight leave the leg.  It went from cement anchor while I waited for the nerve block to wear off.  Each move took effort from the rest of my body - "Here you go leg - here's a boost!" shouted the rest of me, from my teeth to hips.  Then there was just this heavy, throbbing weight.  And on Thursday it became, almost miraculously overnight, just a leg in a splint.

Where did I read that beautiful piece about celebrating just being alive.  Oh yes, that remarkable book I can't stop talking about, A Perfectionists' Guide to Losing Control.  The author's toddler daughter was wondering why they were having a party, and the author replied, "'You know why we're having a party? Because mommy is trying really hard at something! We're having a trying party!'"  Lots of weird parties here, the latest being a toe wiggling party. 

Josie has been doing hard work too, taking care of me.  She has been in bed with me more times than not.  She leans her body against the injured leg, sometimes uncomfortably so, but who can say no to such a sweet face?  Robert says that she is trying to absorb the pain from me, and who knows, he could be right. 

Look at how cuddly she is.  She's a masterpiece, stinky breath and all.

One morning I couldn't figure out why the bedroom smelled like peanut butter.  Turns out Robert gave the girls some peanut butter on their snooters, and Josie saved some for later.  She was insistent about having her crusty peanut butter snout in my business.

Margo has been going to work each day.  She is a creature who needs routine, which I can relate to and respect.  We have worked really hard perfecting our morning routine since I changed jobs in January and Margo officially became employed for the first time in her life.  Because I go to work later in the mornings there is time for more than a walk, brush, and goodbye hugs like my last job.  That was an easy routine for her.  

Our pre-injury routine began with me working in my home office (which is upstairs) on my personal endeavors (art, chaos, sometimes both).  Margo would take a nap on her pillow at the top of the stairs.  After I wrapped up in my office I did my workout (my workout room is also upstairs).  When I started heading downstairs she would follow.  If I took too long with chores, she began to not so gently herd me toward the door.  We would go for our walk.  After our walk, I brushed the girls, alternating each day between the slicker brush (which they love) and the FURminator (which I love because it gets so much more hair), and washed Margo's face with a warm washcloth and then her special tear wipes.  She has a tear duct issue that isn't uncomfortable for her, but it causes her to cry a lot and sometimes get crusty, which does look uncomfortable.  After grooming them I would get ready for work, and then we would head out.  First, we dropped off Josie at Robert's office, and then Margo and I would head to the shop.  If I deviated from any part of this weird equation that equalled Margo's routine, she let me know about it.  She would either try to herd me in the direction of whatever it was that we weren't doing (for example, no walks on stormy days) or give me deeply disappointed, borderline homicidal stares (if I failed to brush her if I was running late).  Here are a few of her stares, which she was born doing.  It's a little unnerving to see a puppy look at you like how did I get stuck with this obnoxious piece of garbage?!?  Robert often comments that it's a wonder she hasn't killed us one night while we're asleep.

(WARNING only look if you're not prone to nightmares).  Included is a video so you can feel the stare.  Most times we feel the stare before we see it, and on occasion she'll stare long enough for us to examine our souls.

Margo has not understood my injury at all.  In fact, I think it's fair to say it has deeply confused her.  Last Tuesday she finally had enough and started to not so gently herd Robert toward the door, remarkably around the same time we would normally go to work.  So Robert took her to the shop, and that's what he's been doing since then.  She really does have many important jobs at the shop.  She even has her own business card, which J designed for her.  Margo is there for emotional support.  She's the president of both HR and our social media.  And most importantly, she is there for all of her friends, which is almost every customer who comes in the shop.  One of our UPS drivers comes in even on his days off to see her, and one of our mail ladies brings Margo cookies (Margo hasn't won over the second mail lady yet).  There was even one customer who came back after he already picked up his item just to say hi to Margo.  He drops by almost weekly now to see her.  So naturally, when he asked if we would be a sponsor for his American Legion's upcoming mouse race, Margo wholeheartedly gave him our support.

One of the best things we did during the remodel of the shop was add cameras everywhere.  Since we do not have any way to see what's going on in the shop from the back room where we work, the cameras have been a life-changer.  We still have the annoying alarm for when customers come in, but we can now see them before we hear the alarm and also keep an eye on customers who need time to look around without us hovering.  Our outside cameras have been a riot as well.  We have had everything from people sleeping out front of the building, a wide assortment of animals roaming the wooded area out back, and even someone peeing on the side of the building in the middle of the day.  No joke!

We had some training on our sand carver last week, so I let everyone know that I would be listening in and watching what I could via the camera nearest the sand carver.  

A couple days Robert has needed to drop Margo off early or pick her up late.  So I played a little Where's Margo to check in on her.  Can you find her in this first camera screenshot?

She's behind the chair at my desk!  You can see just a bit of her foot and tail.

Waiting for Robert to pick her up.  You know she's wearing The Stare.

J has also sent me pictures of Margo hard at work.  Margo absolutely adores J, so I think a big part of Margo needing to go to work each day is because she misses her J!  Here they are together.  Margo is doing her job - making sure J doesn't work too hard.  It's impossible to turn down a squishy lip break!

It's lonely in the house without Margo, but I understand that her job is very important to her.  Once I'm capable of hauling myself around on a scooter again, I'll be right there with her, forming a new temporary routine and doing the important work of helping customers on their journey to celebrate, commemorate, congratulate, and recognize the special people in their lives.  It's not librarianship, but it's important and incredibly interesting work that I love and now miss the short time I've been away.  

With my leg officially letting me know it's healing, I can't help but get excited about everything I love in life all over again.  There will be coffee again.  Showering inside!  Scooting around work.  I'll be able to do workouts again!  I can take over laundry duties again (Robert, bless him, needs to stay in the kitchen where he belongs).  It's tough not to get stupid drunk on the hope.

happily ever after horror movie

Tomorrow will be one week since my surgery, a milestone I'm celebrating early.  There are hours I'm engaged in work, school assignments, reading.  And there are hours I'm gritting my teeth, counting down each quarter hour as I ride the pain and tame my imagination about what's going on under the splint.  I stopped taking pain meds after Saturday, and the days have been doable, but the nights are like some terrible horror movie.

Robert went through a similar surgery when the tendon on the side of his ankle snapped.  I'm not sure what the name of that tendon is, so let's just call it hellraiser.  Though our stories are similar, Robert had the extra challenge of discovering there wasn't a groove to hold hellraiser once it was stitched back together.  So he went from splint to a hard cast, because they had to grind out a new groove in his ankle bone to hold hellraiser.  So yes, we've both had haywire tendon surgery stories, and he knows what I'm going through, but his was on a whole different level.

Each time I share a new pain with him, he's so nonchalant, like he's describing how a server works. 

There's the fire-hot glass pain in the bottom of the heel (his response - "oh that's just blood pooling").  

There's the gnawing on the back of my heel with razor teeth pain (his response - "just your stitches rubbing on the splint").  

There's the feeling of giant spasms in the calf area, which feels like being bitch-smacked by a fish.  You know the feeling when you're fishing and the fish comes out of the water and it's flopping everywhere and it smacks into you with all its spiny glory - that feeling but on the inside.  When I told Robert this, he said, "well that's probably just your tendon coming back together."  

The squeezing python pain?  "Oh, you just aren't elevating it enough. That's the swelling against the splint."  Like my leg is literally a sausage bursting from its casing.  

Last night there was a new sensation.  I told Robert it was feeling itchy in there too.  Having some experience with my disgusted looks, he was even more succinct than ever.  "Dead skin."  And I was like, "Dead skin what?!?"  He started to explain, "Well your leg isn't getting any air."  But I was done.  No more.  I've learned my lesson.  It's better to think there's a menagerie of creepy creatures having a nightmare party down there.

A couple big things happened yesterday that instantly lifted my mood and Robert's too.  First, I had a shower after not showering since last Tuesday.  Robert and I plotted for days the best way to do this.  And really, the best way ended up being what was going to be the most entertaining for Robert and neighbors.  That's how you know you're making a sound decision.

Robert waited until all of our neighbors were out taking walks and as a bonus, a city worker was digging up and replacing the old gas line in our yard.  Then he found the most obnoxious spray setting on our garden hose, hauled me out of the house, plopped me on a chair where I could be viewed by our entire neighborhood, wrapped up the injured leg in multiple plastic bags, and proceeded to cackle maniacally as he Jackson Pollocked me with soap and the sprayer.

The good news is I can now tolerate being around myself and we've got a good plan for the next shower.  The only difference is that we're going to do it in the dead of night.

And I also have something to do during the long hours - plotting vengeance.  Robert always says he loves my creativity.  So I'm sure whatever I cook up for him will be something he'll enjoy.  

I knew Robert was going to pick up the girls from their little vacation at their doggie daycare, but I was so exhausted after the shower I went to bed for a while.  The next thing I know there's golden retriever flying at me.  Robert said Josie flew past him when he got home and opened the door.  She went straight for me.

I'm the lump to the left. 😁

I am extremely fortunate to have a husband who is so incredibly nurturing and such a lover (he helped me take off my nail polish for the surgery and even found a walker like thing for the toilet so I could I use the bathroom independently).  But I also have this dog who went from this happy, goofy sweetheart who made it clear from the beginning that she was a baby who needed our love and protection.  Never once did she show signs of being protective or nurturing like one of our past dogs, Rose.  Even as a baby, Rose made it clear that she was there to take care of us and keep us in line.  

Suddenly, with this injury, Josie has become a total nurturer.  She has glued herself to me since she's been home and has been so incredibly gentle with my giant boo boo.  We were going to try to keep her out of the bed, but she made it very clear that wasn't happening.  I told Robert if she just happens to land on me the wrong way, we'll have one hell of a story for the emergency room.

So here I type in bed, and her butt floof is all up in my laptop as it should be.  

Margo is a different story.  She got up this morning and gave us some hardcore stares.  So Robert finally surrendered and took her to work where she can be with her beloved J and do her important shop dog duties.  I love her to infinity, but she has her own agenda!

Well, I've got some important cuddling with my Jo Pie to do next.  The most important thing on the list today.

toes above nose

I'm officially on the the mend now.  I was very fortunate to get an appointment with the surgeon on Monday.  He scheduled my surgery for Wednesday, and I was in and out in just a few hours.  I'm on bed rest until the end of September, which means I'm typing while laying down.  But I'm two days into it, and I'm feeling hopeful.  Only 9 months and I'll back on the court playing tennis.  The doctor has a detailed plan for the next nine months, and from what I heard I may be putting some weight on the leg by Halloween.  I'm ready to get this plan going!

Robert has been taking good care of me, and his mom has even come over when he's gone in case I need anything.  I can't quite get around on my own yet, but I'm so close.  

One of my three classes this fall has a group discussion component.  When we were trying to figure out a time to meet this week, I mentioned my surgery on Wednesday and asked for Tuesday, the day before, or for Sunday.  The surgeon told me once the nerve block wears off, even with pain medication, there will be a couple days of pain.  Well, in less than 24 hours, my group all came together and decided to meet on Tuesday.  So, I'm still caught up on my assignments.  So much to be grateful for.  

The only thing that's kinda rotten is that my girls are in doggy daycare right now.  Prior to the surgery, Josie would still very carefully get in bed with us at night.  Right around the time I was ready to fall asleep, she would get down, which is what she usually does.  But for the week prior to my surgery, I would wake up and she would be back in bed with us, snuggled as close to me as she could get!  We couldn't figure out what was going on.  Then one night, Margo woke up Robert because she needed to go out.  While he was waiting on Margo, I gave a yelp of pain in my sleep.  He said Josie didn't even think twice.  She gracefully and soundlessly jumped up on the bed and was by my side in seconds.  

This is the same dog who acts like a whirly dervish, the first dog we've had who is a complete baby and wants to be treated as such.  She is also 100% Robert's dog.  I can't even begin to tell you how loved I feel right now.  But her need to make sure I'm ok is why she's out of the house for a few days.  Even though I'm on bed rest (toes above nose) for two weeks, I'll be turning some kind of magical corner around Monday.  And then we can figure out how Josie and I can snuggle without her plastering herself to my booboo.

Though it doesn't sound like much of a difference, a boot and a splint wrapped in what feels like the entire stock of guaze at any given Walgreens is a pretty mighty difference.  I'm a fairly strong person, but it feels like I have a damn anchor made of cement down there.  It's also unwieldy and both Robert and I are terrified of it.  I didn't have fond feelings for the boot, but I will be happy to see it again in two weeks!

20 Years

Today it's officially 20 years of shenanigans, adventures, ruffled feathers, goofiness, comfort, squishes, front porch sitting, and love.  We haven't been able to count all the stars or drive any kind of vehicle, Buicks included, to the moon.  So our love keeps going like one never-ending fruit rollup.

We can't say that every minute of our relationship has been perfect.  We are opposites in a lot of ways, which has made things very interesting.  Robert is a lover who wants everyone in his life to always be happy.  If someone isn't happy, it becomes his number one priority to figure out what he can do to help change that.  If I think someone isn't happy or processing big feelings I'm like peace out!  Process that shit and get back to me when you're ready.

One of the things we've worked so hard on in our relationship is to find a balance between these two extremes.  I like space when I'm processing or chewing on things.  Robert likes kumbaya time when he's processing or chewing on things.  If there's one thing we've learned these past twenty years it's how to find a bridge between space and kumbaya time and also understand each other's perspective better.  

There have been times he's given me my space and I've found myself seeking his comfort, and I know there have been times I've been very smushy and loving, and he's wanting that space.  Relationships are work!  And so much communication! 

Robert is the most nurturing soul I've met.  He is unflappable, thoughtful, brilliant, and goofy.  I am like a shrieking pterodactyl of whatever feeling I'm feeling the most.  When I first met him I both fell in love with him and also at the same time, wanted to be more like him.  He's definitely made me a better person and is there for me 100% during the messy parts of my evolution.  I can't speak for him, but over the years his inner shrieking pterodactyl side has definitely been creeping out.  When he giggles, it's one of the best sounds on the planet.  He also sings to the dogs all the time now, and I'm pretty sure I've helped nurture that obnoxiousness.

I'm thrilled I've had this much time with my best friend.  We've had some bumps along the way, lost loved ones who shaped us, and have both been down at the same time a few times (the worst and sometimes later, funniest moments).  But man, we've had so many good moments, always, unanimously agreed on all the big things together, and have had a blast.  I hope we're always together, but even if something happens to one of us, these past 20 years have been the best years of my life.

We've had similar but unusual stories.  We've been the guardians to kids from each side of our families.  As adults we connected with siblings from both sides who we did not grow up with.  We each lost the glue that held our families together, and both times it was the first time and completely knocked us down.  We've renovated too many houses, sometimes together, sometimes together but silently seething.  We've learned any kind of remodel is hard, even if you're just swapping houses that are next door or across the street from each other.  We both have had the best people come and go in our lives, sometimes holding onto them for dear life, and sometimes letting go.  

I am thankful every day I wake up and he's still here and all mine.  And I know he feels the same way about me (he sings me songs too).

bun puns

Several years ago I started the journey to figure out what the heck was up with my GI issues.  I was embarrassed, impatient, and felt like surely I could fix it.  I should be able to fix it right?  Why couldn't I fix it?  I soon gave up.  

In 2021 I started having trouble with incontinence of varying kinds, and I admitted defeat.  I talked to my doctor and told her I was ready to get to the bottom of my GI issues once and for all (pun totally intended).  I spent the next four years doing lots of tests, various diets, pelvic floor therapy, and even counseling.  Apparently stress can kill you in different ways, including via your gut.  Who knew? 

Thankfully, at the beginning of the journey I was working from home due to the pandemic.  Things definitely got worse for a while as I went through the hoops.  As I transitioned back to working in-person I didn't bring up the utter hell my GI issues were giving me.  At that time I worked with super supportive people.  I was just incredibly embarrassed.  Incontinence is a pretty taboo thing to talk about.  In addition to that taboo problem, I was often experiencing extraordinary fatigue, bloating, and pain.  Weirdly enough, 2022-2023 were my two favorite years working at the library.  I think all the library happiness balanced out the tummy troubles and gave me something positive to focus on.  The library job and people I worked with (99.9% of them) for sure saved my butt (again, pun intended) during the time I needed it most.

The first GI doctor I had was excellent, but he had settled on this cycle of periodically wiping out the bacteria in my gut a couple times a year.  It was expensive and the symptoms always came back, sometimes in just a few weeks!  I've had a few colonoscopies over the past few years, and for a couple weeks after each of them, I felt the best I've ever felt.  I was so desperate for relief I even brought up the idea of doing a colonoscopy prep every so often!  

So then I asked my primary doctor if I could be referred to a different GI doctor, and she was 100% on board with it.  I immediately clicked with this new GI doctor, and he started me on a very rocky path to some relief.  He tried a few things, one of which was a medication that drastically improved my discomfort and pain, but the other symptoms were persistently hanging on.  As we all know one of those symptoms makes living a normal life very challenging.  This doctor didn't give up on me though.  He referred me to the Mayo clinic, and at the beginning of July I got the call to come on up.  

I have spent the majority of the summer figuring out my gut issues, and I feel like I have an excellent plan that I understand.  The first thing I had to do was put away my feelings about taking medication for possibly the rest of my life (even something small and harmless like the one I'm taking was tripping me up).  I really wanted the fix to be solely related to diet or something I could fix.  The second thing I had to do was be open to anything and surrender my embarrassment.  Lastly, it's a lot of hard work and I'm still trying to understand it all, but I feel like I have some hope for a future that doesn't involve always making sure there's a restroom nearby.  I am willing to put in the hard work and ask uncomfortable questions.

I have been reading this excellent book: The Perfectionist's Guide to Losing Control, and just this morning there was a passage I read that stood out:

"Embracing our common humanity is understanding that we all encounter pain, we all get lost, we all have drama in our family – we all have so much happening behind the scenes. The more you see your problems as uncommon, unrelatable, and unnatural, the closer you move towards self-pity, not self compassion." 

During this whole process I learned just how common my stomach issues are.  Unfortunately, I was totally mortified about them for such a long time, I made them 1000 times worse.  There are so many people with similar issues, there are two floors devoted to them at the Mayo in Rochester!  If anyone reading this or anyone you know has chronic constipation/diarrhea (or both!), it is not normal or ok.  Ask for help!

There's a lot of hard work ahead, but I'm ever so grateful for the help and also for Robert taking off the time to be with me for all the weird, exhausting, hopeful, gross, powerful, life-changing stuff I've been a part of this summer.  I'm also grateful that my gut issues are not life-threatening.  We have officially knocked out all the super serious things, and the relief I feel about that is immense.

Such a serious post, I think it's time for a few pictures.  All appropriate, only some poo!

Rochester has this incredibly long pedestrian bridge on the Douglas Trail.  Robert and I walked the lake loop to access it, and then he walked back to the car while I explored the bridge.  Robert said to call him when I reached the end of it, and he would come pick me up.  

Well I never found the end because the darn thing led to a brewery - Little Thistle.  There may not be pots of gold at the end of every rainbow, but apparently there's at least one brewery at the end of a trail (at least that's where the trail ended for me).  I'm pretty much ruined now.  When I called Robert he was not at all surprised by my find.  

Speaking of being completely ruined - when I popped into the main Rochester library and asked for a library card for my collection, the person working there librarian gave me not only the current colors, they also went into the back for a couple old ones lying around.  

Books like this were everywhere, including this board book.  Rochester definitely had the most positive poop culture I've ever been a part of.

We had Chinese one night.  I don't remember the food, but I did keep this.  How many mighty forces have been there for me?  Too many to count.  

Speaking of food, we did find the best places, because that's what we do!

Brussels Sprouts from First Meeting Noodle in Rochester:

Borscht (the best I've ever had) from Kramarczuk's Sausage Co. in Minneapolis, MN:

The Mayo Clinic is connected to many shops and restaurants in a crazy indoor maze.  Someone mentioned that they moved there in the winter and only spent a few minutes outside.  She was able to walk mostly from her home to her job at the Mayo clinic without venturing outside!  We did a lot of walking while we waited for appointments.  The best place to eat was Saladworks, which was a build your own salad place with roasted vegetable options.

This coffee place, Qamaria, had something called pistachio sauce.  Here's the difference between pistachio syrup and sauce.  It's very simple.  If it's sauce, you will want to bathe in it.  It was an otherworldly experience.  Each sip you decide if you want straight up latte or latte after you drag your straw through the sauce.  Basically, it's the best drink on the planet.

When we traveled to Des Moines for vacation in June we didn't find any restaurants we would visit again.  Naturally, just passing through Des Moines we found a stellar place - Centro.  They had a vegan tofu gnocchi with broccoli pesto and a salad with a pile of fresh tomatoes.  Robert thought my pasta was slightly better than his!

We had one weekend to fiddle fart around, and we stopped by an amazing craft recycling place, ArtStart and one of the best bookstores I've ever been to, Against the Current, both in St. Paul.  I kept picking up one treasure after another.  ArtStart sold their papers by the inch!

We got back just this past Thursday, and the dogs were both overjoyed and exhausted.  I immediately took Margo into work on Friday in the hopes she would forgive me for keeping her from J and her customers.  This weekend has been a lot of catchup, relaxation, and tennis.  

Tennis has been brutal this summer with the crazy humidity.  My average heart rate when I play is usually 140s-150s.  With the humidity the average has been near-death - 💀.  But it's the best place to lay down all my burdens (or smack the shit out of them).

I am ready to dive into my last semester of school, do all the hard work to get my gut all spruced up and happy (and not tear myself down if I make a mistake), and really soak up all the joy of my job, art, family, and the pauses when I write it all down.