As most of you know I had knee surgery on October 28th. But I know you also want the full scoop.
September 18th was a typical day off for me. I rode my bike to a special place and spent a
few glorious hours writing poems, including a multi-tiered haiku called
‘Joy.’ After writing, I hopped on my
bike and headed to tennis and played a few nasty sets of doubles. It was a fierce game that left me
drained. Robert had stopped by to watch
the last of it, and afterwards, took me to lunch across the street. I felt fairly drained, but after a bite to
eat I was ready to conquer the world again.
I hopped on my bike, and in order to avoid hills, took the long way
home. It was a happy ride. When I got home I had enough energy to play
ball with the dogs before a shower. I
spent the rest of the day reading and writing.
My right knee was a little cramped, but other than that I felt
excellent. For the past few years I
combined both biking and tennis in one day several times a week with little or
no aches.
The next day I woke up with a sore left knee. Furthermore, I was filled with a sense of
doom whenever I tried to bend it. I
wasn’t concerned. As an athlete, I have
lots of aches and pains and typically I just badass my way through them. After a week and a half, however, the pain
did not go away, and I could no longer do stairs, let alone tennis or biking. I decided to see my doctor, who ordered
x-rays. After the x-rays were taken the
pain decreased and I began to make plans for yoga and tennis, but just as the
plans were finalized I received news that the x-rays showed something
awry. An MRI was ordered, and it showed
a tear. An appointment with an
orthopedic surgeon was made, and during the two-week wait I forgot I had a
whoopsie in my knee and one night, attempted to tuck it beneath me as I sat
down like I have for 28 years. It felt
like a water bottle was being crunched inside my knee. The pain was fairly intense, not poison sumac
between your toes painful, but somewhere between breaking your nose with your knee and ear infection painful. After
that incident, I could barely walk. When
I finally saw the orthopedic surgeon on October 27th and found out I
needed surgery, I didn’t hesitate when I told him I wanted it done ASAP.
I was a little surprised when he said he had an opening the
very next day. But surprise was erased
by discomfort and pain and I was ready to get beyond that and get back to
tennis and leaping around like an idiot again.
The surgery went well.
Frankly, I wasn’t worried about that.
It was like taking an awkward nap.
Pee in a cup, put on an immodest gown, let someone stab me, fall
asleep. Easy.
After the surgery I was hooked up to an ice machine, which
pumped cold water into my bandages 24 hours a day. I could not reach the plug that connected me
to the machine. If I needed to pee
someone had to unhook me. At one point
Robert had a job in another city and I was left alone for several hours. Two friends came and unhooked me and let the
dogs out. One of these friends brought
bread pudding, and after I declined a piece and the friend left it dawned on me
that the bread pudding was in the kitchen and I was trapped in the living
room.
After the ice machine was removed Robert and I ripped the
bandages off with glee. Ok, carefully…
But with glee! Underneath the bandages I
discovered a very strange message just above the offending knee. It said ‘yes’ with possibly a signature
beneath it and was circled with gusto.
By gusto I mean that the line kept going after the circle was
finished. Whatever marker this message
was written in is taking its sweet time being removed, which has given me ample
time to question what this yes was answering at the time it was written on my
leg. The most obvious question is, “Hey,
is this the knee that’s being sliced?”
But I can think of other questions as well like,
1. Is this going to hurt?
2. Will this be expensive?
3 Which side do you
want your IV on? Oh, sorry, that was a
rhetorical question. You want this in
the smallest vein on your body, right?
4. Did you get an improper crutch fitting before this
surgery?
5. Did you know your doctor’s nickname is Dr. Zigzag?
6. Do you like Pearl Jam?
No?? Too bad! That was also
rhetorical and we’re still going to crank it right before we knock you
out.
7. The last time you ate was at least 72 hours ago, correct?
8. Would you like some applesauce?
9. You do know that, after surgery, your pee will smell like
something burning inside a vacuum cleaner, right?
10. Do you have to go up steps before you enter your house?
11. Yes? Ok, do you
know how to sleep in your car?
I also have speculations that the initials just below the ‘yes’
weren’t really initials. They might be
something radically different, like:
1. hahaha
2. muahahaha
3. the Starbucks order the doctor was trying to remember for
his surgical team so they weren’t thirsty during surgery
4. how much money the doctor was hoping to make for every
strand of menisci that was
repaired
5. how much money the doctor still owed on his student loans
6. a grocery list
7. the letters “U Owe Me”
8. a comic relief button that, when pressed, activates the
‘can-can’ muscles in the leg and instantly puts a smile on the face of anyone
on the surgical team who is taking the surgery too seriously
9. a treasure map
10. a diagram that either showed where the tear was or how
to dance the Robot
After the bandages were off I was ready to get a move
on. Unfortunately, after taking off on
the crutches for a day my armpits felt like two raging forest fires. I decided that crutches were put on this
earth to make the original owie disappear.
I vowed to ditch the crutches ASAP, and tossed them aside on
Friday. Sure, I have to use all of my
telepathic powers to propel myself up and over a curb, but it is better than
listening to my pits scream at me.
I have another appointment soon, plus physical therapy, plus
I get to go back to work. After two
weeks of healing, aka watching Robert attempt to clean house by vacuuming a
single line down an area rug and lining up baskets of dirty laundry in our
living room like soldiers too tired to make the trek to the basement, I am
ready to get back into the library and maybe soon match Robert’s clean patch of
rug with another swipe.
But I don’t want to get carried away. So far, the road to recovery has been smooth,
and according to the strange message on my knee, the answer to a complete and
speedy recovery is Yes. . . gobbledygook.