Thursday, October 15, 2015

Double Turban Lady or Professor Quirrell Lady?

I have a handful of patrons who have taken a liking to me, and an even larger handful of people who switch allegiances in the span of an 8 hour day.  An appreciative patron I've helped in the morning will hiss at me later in the day and ask if there is anyone smarter around.  I'm fine with this; most of my coworkers deal with the same patrons, patrons who give you a handful of sticky, barely-wrapped candy for helping them with a spreadsheet and 10 minutes later talk smack about you with the other crazy regulars.  

I retaliate by writing poems about these people that may or may not get published - anonymous poems mind you, and oftentimes I'm only fleeing the situation because I'm nearly in tears trying to hold the laughter back.  

A patron I fondly call Double Turban Lady has yet to turn on me.  I gave her this name even before she took a liking to me because she wears what looks like a towel swirled in something fancier.  She's in her 70's and has this very intense look because the turbans are squeezing her eyes out.  

It's always the same process with her.  If I don't see her I can usually hear her asking for me - she actually knows part of my name at this point - and after helping her check out her books I log in to a computer for her, open all of her favorite websites and enlarge them.  

That's it.  Well, it was until she found a book of poetry I selected for staff picks.  A book of racy poetry, and now as we walk to her favorite computer she likes to talk about the poems really loudly and ask me questions like do you think the plum represents the vagina?  

She never talks about the ones that aren't dirty.  I think she might be messing with me.  The day she turns into a hissing cockroach (or Voldemort) will undoubtedly come and it's not coming fast enough.  Perhaps my endorsement of Suicide Bunnies on my staff picks will speed things along.  But then what if she starts to loudly ask me questions about bombs and hatchets and bunnies?  


  1. I love customers who are hateful and call me a bitch. I always smile, thanked them for their business and tell them "have a nice day."

    As you know, I volunteer at a local thrift store and I have one customer who feels it is his duty to find an item that is for sell and bring it to my attention that it is labeled wrong. He will search high and low for that one item and then, like a giddy kid, will search me out and show it to me. The best example that I can think of is this. On the days that clothing is marked down 50%, this customer will carefully go through our reusable grocery bags (labeled housewares) looking for one that has an inside pocket. Our reusable grocery bags sell for twenty five cents apiece. If he is successful in finding one or two bags with an inside pocket, he will carry this prized possession, aka shopping bag and try to convince me that it is a purse because of the inside pocket. The shopping bags sell for 25 cents apiece. If I relent and say it is a purse he will be able to purchase it for 50% off. I do not back down.

    I love dealing with the public even the obnoxious people have some endearing quality about them.

  2. K is for Knifeball, Unicorns Being a Jerk would be a great companion for Suicide Bunnies. :-)