When I watched the Movie, What Dreams May Come for the first time it was during a time when I was unbearably alone. I was just realizing that after years of trying to fit in and win the affection, pride, and love from loved ones and adults I respected, it just wasn't ever going to happen. It was a crushing and nearly devastating realization that nearly consumed me. It took a really long time for me to feel comfortable with being alone, not really fitting in anywhere, and surrendering the extraordinary and exhausting effort of trying to make the people I loved and respected feel the same way about me.
Thankfully I have found a few extraordinary people along the way who have helped me feel more comfortable with myself. It was just enough support to propel me into a new life.
Watching What Dreams May Come was a pivotal moment for me. When I saw the scene where Robin Williams "wakes up" in heaven and he's inside one of his wife's paintings that's still wet, I was completely overcome with so many emotions, but mostly relief, and also, this fragile sense of connection. For several years when I was a child and teenager several of my dreams were comprised of wet paint. Most of these dreams were pleasant and I didn't think a whole lot about them until Robin Williams woke up in heaven in a field of flowers created by his wife. It was the same field of flowers I had seen numerous times while sleeping. For me, it was a field of tulips in every color.
It didn't matter who wrote the scene or why. What mattered is that it brought to life something I thought only existed in my mind. It meant that there were others out there who thought like me and maybe had dreams comprised of wet paint. More importantly, it meant that I was not alone.
Though I haven't had a dream comprised of wet paint in many years, the name of my blog is a reminder of that special moment when a cheesy Robin Williams movie saved my life.
I've wanted to create an embroidered banner for this blog for a long time, but the task felt too daunting. Finally, last spring, at the beginning of the pandemic, I took the time to look for the perfect tulips. I took several pictures and just like magic, one picture stood out.
This is the first piece I've made for myself and I'm not really sure what I'm going to do with it. If I don't frame it I'll probably take it out every now and then and wonder who else is out there waiting for a sign to keep going. I know I'm one of many creating those signs. And I'll keep making them, no matter the response.
I can empathize with you regarding this post. You are blessed to have found members of your soul family. There are some people that hasn’t met them or is waiting to rejoin them. In time you learn how to shut off or numb the feelings of loneliness, squelch the desire to be a part of something or someone’s life. You learn to stop feeling. Except on days when it all becomes painfully obvious where you belong in this life. This movie had an impact on your aunt and myself. Whereas we both respect Annie’s decision, we disagree on her outcome (banish to hell). Because of my age, life experience I know first hand what it feels like to lose family and friends in a short amount of time. I relate to what Annie was going through, emotionally, when she made that difficult decision. In reality I lost two people I admire and love to suicide but I respect and understand their decision. Sometimes it is just to much and you need to step aside.
ReplyDeleteLove this post. Love the squishy tulips. Love you.