This is the book I can't stop talking about. It's been so incredibly helpful!
I am not sure how this book ended up on my to-read list. Usually I add the name of whoever recommended it in my private notes, but there's nothing there. I almost didn't read it, because I would never call myself a perfectionist, and no one has ever called me one with any seriousness.
But here I am with this book that I know is already changing my life. I saw so much of myself in this book it was tough to read at times. I had to stop after each moment of connection and take the time to process it. I have even found myself using the information from the book to help me move forward from a place of anxiety and attacking myself. I think it's within my power to figure out ways to make all the things that define me (good or bad, perfectionism or not) a little bit more adaptive than maladaptive.
Powerful moments for me:
Pg. 27: Adaptive vs. maladaptive perfectionism. Interestingly enough, I had a doctor's appointment and the doctor used the terms to describe a function of the body. Maybe others have heard of this, but it was news to me. I feel like this is something concrete that I can think about to help me use behaviors in a positive way.
Pg. 29: "Trying to get rid of your perfectionism (or for me, my need to be in control) is like trying to get rid of the wind by whacking it with a broom. Perfectionism is too powerful for an eradication approach. When you try to get rid of your perfectionism, all you're doing is hemorrhaging energy at the opportunity cost of attending to your wellness."
Pg. 84: "Each type of perfectionist has their own way of expressing the dynamics inherent in maladaptive perfectionism, but regardless of context, the raw formula is the same: you get separated from your self-worth, and you think restoring your worth hinges on an external outcome. You start trying to compensate for something you don't need to compensate for. You start trying to earn something that already belongs to you." This rings true. It still almost bowls me over reading it a third, fifth, twelfth time.
Pg. 86: "Relying on a strategy of superficial control instead of accessing your power is tantamount to moving a car by pushing it from the bumper instead of getting inside and driving it." This is so much of my life, it would be funny if it didn't hurt like the dickens. I have superficial control lying all over my house, in my mind, everywhere.
Pg. 106: "Everything a child who does not feel loved does is done to answer this question am I worth loving yet? The child asks some version of that question indefinitely, but not forever. When the answer to the question continues to be perceived as "No," the message is internalized...An invisible switch is flipped. In the child's unconscious mind, freedom to be who they are is no longer an option. It's too unsafe and two destabilizing. With freedom off the table, two choices remain. The first choice is performance. They choose to play the part of someone who is worthy and hope to God no one finds out they're pretending. The second choice is destruction. They choose to destroy themselves with the mentality of "If no one else cares about me, why should I?" To read something like this in a book is such a hopeful, powerful thing.
Lastly, Pg. 170: "Perfectionists waste so much energy trying to turn their disappointment into something else. We keep asking, "How can I get rid of my disappointment?" The better question is "What else do I also feel?"
While reading this I realized that one of the tools I use while creating art is a tiny part of me giving myself permission to let go. I use this tool as a way to surrender some of that control I constantly feel like I need to have. I can only hope that by using this tool I'm able to let go a little more with every finished piece.
