Saturday, January 22, 2011

aliens and poltergeists

I am too young to be wise, but every once in awhile I have an experience that gives me such great wisdom that I have no other choice but to pass it along.

Please do not eat edamame in bed.

You will wake up in the middle of the night and assume that aliens have attached a probe to your leg, and you will spend fifteen minutes in the bathroom wondering how deep the probe is, and whether or not some unknown civilization is watching a movie of your life, calculating the success of impregnating you with their seed. You will think about Octavia Butler’s books, and touch the linoleum with your hands to make sure that it is human linoleum and that you are not in some cute replica of your bathroom. Finally you will tentatively touch the probe with a piece of toilet paper, and it will fall off. You will gasp, because you think that if it is a probe, why is it not sticking? And you will question their knowledge of adhesives, which really has nothing to do with the little green probe, but it’s 3 in the morning and you’re not really sure how a probe works, just that you know that you could make one stick if you had to. After a moment you will bend over and inspect the object, and after gathering some bravery you will poke it a little harder with the toilet paper and discover that is a leftover piece of edamame, and that if an alien ever does really stick you with a probe they will have this little memory to add to your life movie.

On another note, did I ever mention the fire at my gym? Well a couple years ago, after playing tennis one night I begrudgingly walked over to the gym, complaining in my head about lifting weights, the pure murder of it. As I plopped down on my first machine a man suddenly pushed me off, and started tugging me towards an exit. There’s a fire, he exclaimed, and sure enough, after looking up, I saw that the ceiling was slightly on fire.

He didn’t have to tell me twice. I got the h out of there (actually I went back to the locker room to get my stuff, which will hopefully help future aliens with any decisions concerning impregnation).

Unfortunately the gym was opened back up within the week.

So, I have this rule. If I’m tired, then fine I don’t have to run/lift weights. But if I’m tired the next day, then I better get my lazy ass on the treadmill. Even if I’m more tired than the day before. So I was too tired one day last week, but because I skipped the day before I knew I had to run. So I get the running part out of the way, plus an hour of tennis and I am seriously wiped, right? But the gal I was playing with still wanted to play, and we had the court reserved for an hour and a half, so I agreed but starting cussing out the world in my head. Just then the lights went out. I shit you not. And they didn’t come back on. In fact somebody came to usher us out of the building with a flashlight so we didn’t trip over the balls.

Hot damn, somebody can hear me. I think I have a poltergeist friend. Hopefully he will help me out when I find something attached to my leg that is not edamame.

4 comments:

  1. Honey your mind is a wonderland....

    When I saw the word edamame I immediately thought it read "enema" and I couldn't figure out why you would want to eat that.

    Now I know of two foods you never fall asleep eating - edamame or granola. Wait till you have that sticking to you. I am amazed that Robert didn't make a science project out of the green pod attached to your leg. If an alien tried to impregnate my girlfriend I sure as hell would.

    I remember you telling me about the fire in the gym. I am amazed you didn't say "oh the hell with it" and continue working out. You are a fiend you know.

    Last but not lease - how sweet that someone had a flashlight so you wouldn't trip over someone's balls. If only we all were so lucky.

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  2. Okay, I'm late to this party... But Hannah, I Love You and the way you see life.

    Pepper, I had the same thought about 'balls'.

    ~R

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  3. And my last comment verification was, Blest.

    Maybe I will be?

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