Thursday, January 27, 2011

A Leap

There are songs I listen to so many times that they become my movements. They climb inside my pulsing skin and nestle in the crooks and crannies, slowly creeping with each breath to the very lining of my guts, of my spirit. There are days when I can feel a song with me, and when I reach to turn it up, I touch nothing. I become a vehicle for the song, my body absorbing an invisible need for physical life.

Lately I have become these songs.

To me this song is furious. It is throwing its beats at me, and I can feel the freckles of movement and rage, and I want to run against the anger, to be that wall that it needs to reflect against. Like in the Truman Show when Jim Carrey finds out that his reality is fictitious. The fists are the drum beats, and I am the wall. I am too real unless I run fast enough to create that wall, to create the fiction that life is.


If you see a woman sitting in her car, waving her arms in the space in front of her, it is me, listening to this piece. This piece is Hermit’s Holler and I am trying to catch it, to apologize, to express gratitude, to take the memories of home and put them somewhere beneath the strength of my bones.


I want to be a part of this song, to crawl inside the joy and voices.


Most of the time I look for songs that harmonize with me, that compliment me but are not perfectly synchronized. I feel like songs that are in the same key as myself are a little frightening. Like I am suddenly turned inside out. I listen with an intensity to hear myself, and forget that I already know what I sound like. I sound like this, and I sound like Joan Baez singing Kumbaya, and A Whiter Shade of Pale and Every Minute by Sara Groves. Please take note of 1:15. There is a moment of my life that that time belongs to, and it was a leap.


I like the approach of this song, a little bit of uncertainty mixed with brazen sexiness. Like a stealthy mythical beast sneaking up on her lover, a praying mantis falling in love or a piece of dark chocolate infused with boozy red wine. I listen to this song and it winds me up for the day. It is suddenly sexy to be pear shaped and quirky and bookish all at once with little legs taking great strides. This song is my sexy underwear. And I feel every bit like the brick shit house that I am.


While driving with Robert one day I played him a little bit of Lorn and told him that listening to it felt like I was bringing out the noise inside of me and listening to it from the outside. He said that he needed to make me more tea. What he failed to realize is that I exist because of that noise, that all the whirring and stirring inside is music to me. I am never alone. I will always be in the company of noise. I’ve tried to describe the noise, the wonderful cacophony of voices and syllables inside, how I somehow capture other people and hang onto their words and music, but it’s not supposed to be touched. Your emotions sound like techno music to me. That’s as close as I care to get. And for the most part I enjoy it, but negativity and too much of it gets to me when I’m trying to sleep at night. So when you hear this song you are listening to the sound of emotions stirred up like oatmeal and honey.


Hans Zimmer’s music always touches me in a place most songs cannot get to. I have quite a few that are tucked into my spine like little wings ready to burst. If I am having a bad day it is absolutely necessary to find my car and crawl inside it and this song like a womb.


On an entirely different note, I have been busy and sick and have fallen a little behind on my dad's blog. Robert and I are creating a system with the scanning, and have figured out how to scan the colored drawings properly. Please be patient while we get the system up and going. Thanks.


  1. I always love your blogs :)

    Music is an amazing creature. I cannot live without it.

  2. Girl, somehow I feel I've lost you... though I know my life follows a slow and patterned path, compared to yours. It happened with me and Betsy. But she stayed with me ( a long while) and I've stayed with you in my heart, if not my words always.

    I've found a blog that humbles me and makes me speechless. I think maybe you might find such good things there.

    It's I hope you'll visit it.

    And come see me, once in a while.

    Love you,